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by aenrean



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff, Headcanon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-03-30 23:22:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 22,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3955801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aenrean/pseuds/aenrean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alessëa Lavellan is a young mage struggling with the responsibillities of being leader of the Inquisition. And on top of it all she has feelings for a man she is certain only sees her as a dangerous apostate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic. I'm not sure where I'm going with it yet, I just really wanted to write something.. :)

_Struggling _

Alessëa stepped out from her tent and her head tilted towards the sky. The breach hovered there as an unwelcome reminder of the task ahead of her. Two weeks had passed since the explosion at the conclave, where she – a dalish elf apostate – had been named the Herald of Andraste. At first it had seemed almost like some sort of cosmic joke. She believed in the old gods, and she enjoyed solitude. In Haven there was none of any of it. There were always countless reports to read and just as many decisions that apparently she was the one to make. And seeing the people praise the Herald of Andraste – her – was simply too much for her. And on top of it all she had made no friends amongst her comrades. Cassandra openly disapproved of her skepticism towards her own title. Varric seemed as if he could be an ally, but he also seemed like the kind of guy to harbor secrets too big for his dwarf body to carry. Solas was so wise that it sometimes annoyed her limitlessly, but he was also an apostate mage, so they had that in common. And she did enjoy his stories about ancient elves and the fade. Sera was weird and she detested everything elven, even though she was an elf herself. And Vivienne didn’t hide her disapproval of Alessëa being an apostate. She didn’t feel as if any of them could be her confidantes. None of them inspired trust and comfort. And she really needed someone to talk to about all of the things that were happening. The mark on her hand glowed ominously, and she put it in her pocket, not wanting to look at it. Solas had been trying to explain its origin to her, but it seemed unfathomable still. None of the events of the past two weeks seemed real.

 

* * *

 

She met with the Inquisition elite in the war room. She called them that because they were the ones planning everything and telling her what to do. Sometimes she voiced an opinion that wasn’t shot down as unwise, and actually felt useful. Today they were discussing whether to side with mages or Templars in closing the breach.

 

“I believe we should seek out the aid of the Templars”, Cullen said with his usual professional voice. Cassandra nodded in approval.

 

“We should at least meet with Grand Enchanter Fiona before choosing sides”, Leliana protested, and Josephine agreed shortly after. That only left Alessëa to tip the vote.

 

“I need more time to think about this. So I want to meet with Fiona… hear what she has to say, and then we can make a decision”, she said, trying to sound confident and sure of herself. She was met with silence from Cullen and Cassandra, somewhat disapproving she thought to herself.

 

“Then we will make the arrangements for your journey to Redcliffe”, Josephine said with her usual enthusiasm.

 

“We have had reports of a rogue Templar encampment in the west Hinterlands. And also there are sightings of an apostate stronghold in Witchwood”, Cullen informed her. “You should take care of that on your way to Redcliffe – it would make the area much safer for travelers and refugees”, he concluded, but without looking at her.

 

“We will handle that as well then”, she agreed, and that concluded the meeting. Cullen lingered at the war table, looking at the pieces scattered across the map. Alessëa stayed behind as well, wanting to somehow explain why she had chosen as she had.

 

“I’m not biased” she begun dreading how this would turn out. She had the feeling that he kept a close eye on her because she was a mage, and he was a former Templar. So she had gotten the notion that he didn’t trust her. “I just don’t want to make an uninformed decision”, she ended, trying to make eye contact with him. He looked up from the table and for a short moment their eyes met.

 

“Considering the dangers of having so many mages in our base, I believe the decision should be easy”, he said with a strong conviction in his voice. “We don’t have enough Templars to govern them, which could lead to abominations and chaos” He looked down at the table again.

 

“I’m ungoverned and I’m fine”, Alessëa protested, feeling queasy at his obvious uneasiness with mages. Something about that rubbed her the wrong way.

 

“You’re not ungoverned – I keep an eye out for any corruption that could occur”, he argued. She felt like she had been punched in the stomach. She had felt his eyes on her during the last two weeks, and she had thought as much as this. But actually hearing it made her furious. “You never went through a harrowing! You’ve never been taught to control your abilities in a way that makes it safer”, he continued, only making it worse.

 

“Commander, I don’t need you to watch over me. I am not an untrained imbecile. I know what I am and how dangerous I can be. And even though I practically surround myself with demons these days, I am no wear near stupid enough to actually make a deal with one”, she sneered and stormed out of the room, shaking with rage.

 

* * *

 

The next day, she left for the Hinterlands with her companions. She felt free on the road, that was where was most at home. She didn’t mind doing meager tasks to help the people – even if it involved skinning rams and helping druffalos back to their pasture. She had been doing a lot of that in the Hinterlands this time around, because it was the only time she actually felt like she was making a difference. And no one treated her with scrutiny or disrespect when she was helping. It felt wonderful.

She didn’t want to make any of the big decisions they expected from her. She wanted to go back to the Dales and be a normal person again. She wanted to be left alone.

She didn’t really want to admit it, but the argument she had had with Cullen still bothered her. When she had met him for the first time she had felt a calm rise in her that she didn’t believe was possible. He had seemed so steady, so dependable. Like she could depend on him. But it had quickly resided with the feeling of unwanted surveillance he later gave her. And that had disappointed her. She had needed some constant, some sort of comfort in all of the chaos that was now her reality. And for just an instant she had thought he could be it. She had been wrong… 


	2. Chapter 2

_ Decisions _

“So the mages are not at our disposal”, Josephine asked with a concerned frown. Alessëa shook her head. The others looked as dissatisfied as she felt. She had returned from the Hinterlands that same day, and was now updating the elite about what they had discovered during her month-long stay there.

 

“Alexius has been so eager in his wanting to meet you, Herald, that we are certain he wants to kill you”, Leliana said, and Alessëa couldn’t help but smile a little.

 

“I’m flattered, I guess”, she said still smiling. Cullen snorted disapprovingly. “I don’t like the idea of leaving them in the hands of a power hungry, time warping magister…” she said. “But at the same time I don’t like putting everyone in danger if we’re not certain it will work”.

 

“The Templars are still an option”, Cullen said. “They have relocated themselves to Thereinfall Redoubt, and we could make contact with them”, he suggested.

 

“I need to think on this”, Alessëa said, looking intently at the war table, feeling the pressure of the world on her shoulders. “Can we wait a little longer before making a decision”, she asked with a voice more insecure than she had anticipated.

 

“We don’t have much time, it seems”, Cassandra said. “We can only give you a couple more days Herald – the breach is to unstable to be left alone for much longer” Alessëa furrowed her brow. She was concerned she would make the wrong decision. What if by choosing, it would be worse than before. There was so many “what if’s” in her head that it felt like it was spinning.

 

“I won’t take too long then”, Alessëa said and left the war room.

 

* * *

 

Later that day she went to the training grounds to talk to the commander. She needed to clear the air with him, otherwise she wouldn’t know whether or not she was making her decision out of spite for him or because it was the right one. He was instructing some of the new soldiers to use their shield to block with. He had a fantastic aura of authority that resonated well with the soldiers. They seemed to respect him.

 

“Am I interrupting anything”, Alessëa asked as she approached him. He turned towards her and gave her strained smile.

  
“No, Herald – not at all”, he answered, and kept on observing the training grounds. Alessëa didn’t know where to begin, and he didn’t seem all that welcoming.

 

“About before I left…” she began and tried to find the courage to continue. He looked at her now, which didn’t make it easier. He looked so unforgiving, but still a little insecure. It was confusing. “I’m sorry for lashing out. But I need you to back off a little”, she continued with a shaking voice. He furrowed his brow, motioning to start talking, but Alessëa cut him off. “You were a Templar – I get it. But I am doing everything I can to stop the world from falling apart, and for me to do that, I need everyone to trust me. And I don’t feel trusted with you hovering over me, like I’m going to go full-on abomination any second” She took a breath as she finished, since she had spoken so fast. Cullen looked at her with widened eyes.

 

“All right”, he said, still looking a little startled. “I could do that”. Alessëa furrowed her brow. That had been way too easy. She regretted having practiced this in her head at least a dozen times. That apparently had not been necessary.

 

“Oh - fine”, she said, and she couldn’t hide the surprise from her face.

 

“I realize my being a former Templar hasn’t made this easier on you. And for that I apologize. I’m just very used to scrutinizing every single mage, but I can see why that would make you… uncomfortable. I will desist. Herald”, he said with a less stern and formal voice than usual. It was almost kind.

 

“Thank you commander”, Alessëa said, not knowing what else to say. “I am grateful”. Cullen gave her a curt nod, and turned his attention towards the training grounds again. Alessëa lingered for a moment, and then she walked towards her cabin. There she sat down at her desk, and tried to think. Now that she didn’t have all that pent up anger anymore, she didn’t feel as blocked in her thoughts.

When she went to sleep that night, she had almost made up her mind.

 

* * *

 

“I know you’re not in agreement on this, so the decision is left for me to decide”, Alessëa said in the war room the next day. “I think we should seek out the Templars”, she ended, awaiting everyone else’s reaction. “It’s less risky and will likely cost less lives than if we have to fight a magister and his sect”, she resonated, and hoped she would gain everyone’s support.

 

“Then I will assemble a party of nobles, and we will go to Thereinfall Redoubt”, Josephine said enthusiastically, apparently not fazed by the fact that she had only a day before been leaning against choosing the mages. Cullen stood silently in the corner. Alessëa tried to map his reaction, but his face didn’t give anything away. They concluded the meeting, and everyone went to prepare for the upcoming journey.

 

“I admire you for your decision”, Cassandra said, walking next to Alessëa in the chantry. “It cannot have been easy choosing against your own kind”, she continued. “But I believe you made the right decision”

 

Alessëa’s eyes widened. This was the first time she had felt some sort of acceptance from the seeker. She knew that Cassandra had sided with the Templars from the start, but to acknowledge that she had done something right was completely blindsiding Alessëa.

 

“I believe it was the right decision as well…” she answered. “And thank you Cassandra” The seeker went toward the training grounds, and left Alessëa to go to her cabin to prepare. It had been a very strange day for her, with Cullen and Cassandra showing her some kindness. It was not what she had expected when she had gone to the meeting earlier. 


	3. Chapter 3

_ Envy _

The world now had a soggy, green fog all around it. It was like looking through a piece of fabric that made the world cloudy. Alessëa tried to remain calm, and breathe at a normal rate. She tried to remember what had happened – she had seen the Lord Seeker… But the people who were with her a minute ago had now vanished and she was all alone in this place. She could see the familiar shapes of Cullen, Leliana and Josephine ahead. For a short moment she felt relief of seeing something known, but as she got closer, something was not right. Cullen and Josephine stood like motionless statues, and when Leliana started to speak, it was with a voice that was not entirely her own.

 

“Will it let me know you”, Leliana spoke with an expression that didn’t look like one she would ever make. “Everything tells me about you”, she continued and walked behind the motionless Cullen, drawing her knife from its sheath. Alessëa could feel her blood pumping harder through her veins. She tried to keep a stoic expression as the knife neared the commander’s throat. “So will this – watch”, said Leliana and positioned the knife – ready to slit Cullen’s throat.

 

“Stop this”, Alessëa exclaimed as the knife made its path over the commander, and left him falling lifeless to the ground. She knew it wasn’t real, but even so, it was horrible to watch.

“What do you want, demon”, she asked with as much resentment as she could muster.

 

“Stop this”, Leliana repeated with an evil grin. Josephine walked up behind her, grinning.

 

“Being you will be so much more fun, than being the Lord Seeker”, Josephine proclaimed, also with an expression she would never have used in real life. Alessëa looked at her surroundings that slowly changed before her eyes. There were bodies burning all over the hallway, but luckily they were faceless.

“Do you know what the Inquisition could become”, Josephine said, as she appeared out of thin air behind Alessëa, who spun around, fear in her entire body. “Once I am done with you, the Elder one will kill you and ascend… and then I will _be_ you”

 

Alessëa tried to control her breath that came in gasps. She was more frightened than she had ever been before, and she had no idea how to get out of the nightmare.

“I saw through your game”, she said, regaining temporary control over her voice. “What more could you gain?”

 

“You are under the mistaken understanding that I require consent”, the demon said with a superior voice, still sounding like Josephine, but it was no longer visible. “Every reaction, every protest is an answer”, it said and reappeared behind her. It looked at her, told her she should serve the elder one, by dying the right way, and then it walked away. Alessëa stood where it had left her, afraid to go anywhere else, when she heard Cullen’s voice behind her.

 

“I am not your toy – I am envy and I will know you! Tell me, Herald, in your mind… tell me what you think”, he commanded and stabbed a greenish, glowing figure that resembled Alessëa. The war table from Haven appeared before her, and Cullen ignited lights on the different locations, looking furiously at her. “Tell me what you feel!” As he said it, a groan sounded behind her, and she saw the glowing figure of herself falling to the ground, blood spattering from a wound in her stomach. She gasped as she saw the murder knife in her own hand, and threw it to the ground. Then the scene disappeared in front of her along with Cullen and the false Herald.

 

She took a moment to regain composure over herself. She was scared of showing any emotion or reaction, because she knew the envy-demon would benefit from it. But at the same time she had never felt anything more overwhelming than the fear that was about to take control over her.

She walked slowly through a doorway, treading lightly, so her footsteps were soundless. In the room before her, were Cassandra and the false Herald. She was watching the interrogation after the conclave. Alessëa quickly moved past it, not wanting to see herself in that situation again. The next room she entered had the false Herald once more. She was talking about ambition, and she didn’t seem anything like Alessëa anymore. Only their voices were alike.

 

“I would never say that, demon!”, she protested, realizing it was no use, as soon as the words slipped over her lips.

 

“So you’re bothered by imperfection”, the voice sounded from nowhere apparently. It made an evil laugh and then the False Herald exploded in front of her and the room filled with sources of veilfire, blocking her path forwards. She moved through the room, trying to avoid being hit by the green flames. One of them scorched her arm, and she fell to the ground in pain. She heard the voice laugh again, and she clenched her jaw, trying to forget the searing pain, that felt like it was burning her to the bone. Then another voice – a soothing, calm voice sounded from somewhere.

 

“You’re hurting, helpless, hasty. What happens to the hammer when there are no more nails?”, the voice sounded. The demons voice shot through the rooms, furiously, demanding of the other voice to vanish. Alessëa ran past the veilfire flames, through a door where she felt safe for a little while. There a figure appeared before her; a boy with shoulder length, ash blond hair covered by a ridiculous hat.

“Envy is hurting you. Mirrors on mirrors on memories. A face it can feel but not fake. I want to help”, the voice said with an earnestness that touched something inside Alessëa. She wanted to believe the boy, but she was anxious at the same time. “I want to help you – not envy!”, the boy continued. Alessëa eyed the boy one more time, and she couldn’t help feeling that this wasn’t their first meeting… even though for the life of her, she couldn’t remember when or where.

 

“Who are you”, Alessëa asked and furrowed her brow. “I’ve seen you before, haven’t I?”

 

“I’ve been watching – I’m Cole. We’re inside you”, Cole proclaimed, sounding almost happy. “Or I am… you’re always inside you”, he stated with less enthusiasm. “I’m here helping, I hope”, he said, and appeared suddenly to be hanging from the ceiling. Alessëa tried to make sense of it all, but she couldn’t. But she couldn’t help but feel some comfort in Cole’s company, so she decided to trust him. Maybe he could help her get out.        

 

“What are you saying”, Alessëa asked, her voice a little calmer than she expected. Cole now sat on a chest on the floor, his hands folded on his knees.

 

“I watched – I watch. All the Templars knew when you arrived. They were impressed – but not as much as the Lord Seeker”, Cole said, his words sounding almost like a chant.

 

“The Lord Seeker is an envy-demon who wants to be me”, Alessëa exclaimed and furrowed her brows. Cole’s expression didn’t change as he spoke again.

 

“Yes – it twisted the commanders, forced their fury, their fight – they’re red inside”, he said. “Anyway – you’re frozen – envy wants to take your face. I heard it and reached out, then in. And then I was here”, Cole proclaimed with a little wondering in his voice.

 

“So you’re a spying phantom, who accidentally enters people’s minds”, Alessëa concluded. “Sounds like a spirit to me”. Even though she had been taught by her keeper, not to trust anything from the fade, there was something about Cole that made her want his help. It felt as if he actually could help her.

 

“If it bothers you, I can make you forget”, he said, but then appearing to regret his words. “No, that’s no good. You need all of you right now to fight – maybe later”, he corrected himself. “It would be good if you got out”, he stated with a calm, steady voice, like nothing could faze him.

 

“Then help me escape”, she pleaded. Cole nodded, and begun to explain. When he was done, Alessëa felt hopeful. This would work – she knew it.

 

* * *

 

She fell to the ground where she had been before being moved to the nightmare in her own head. She saw Sera, Solas, Iron Bull and Barris stand behind her, and she was so happy to see them, to see _anyone_ , that she could cry. She scanned the area, looking for Cole, but he was nowhere to be seen.

Barris instructed her to go to the great hall, and from there find the veterans and a lyrium supply. The envy demon had hidden itself behind a barrier that could only be weakened by the Templars.

She still felt her arm burning, even though Solas had put some poultice on it, and had bandaged it lightly. She felt weak and exhausted, but at the same time, she knew this had to be done. And so she walked through the doors to start searching for the veterans.


	4. Chapter 4

_ Champions of the Just  _

Alessëa woke up with a scream. She eyed her surroundings – she was in an inquisition camp not far from Haven. Solas was in her tent, sitting on a chair next to her bedside. He gave her a calming smile, and rose from the chair.

 

“You are all right”, he said, trying to calm her down. Alessëa felt her heartrate slow down, and she tried to control her breathing. Solas motioned to check the burn on her arm, and she nodded in return.

 

“Did we… did we beat it”, she asked with a raspy voice, while he removed the bandage on her arm. The last thing she remembered was fighting the envy-demon… and then nothing. Solas gave her a nod, as he examined the wound. It looked as if it had been healing for days.

 

“Yes… several days ago actually. You passed out right after dealing the killing blow to the demon”, he informed, making Alessëa’s eyes widen. “We started towards Haven straight away, wanting you to get to a healer”

 

“Good…”, she said, again with a raspy voice. The memories of the nightmare had yet to leave her, so there was still some uneasiness in her stomach that would not be shaken. “The Templars… are they all right as well”, she asked, hoping for a good answer.

 

“Yes they are. They are preparing to travel to Haven, to hear what you will do with them”, Solas assured her, and redressed her wound.

 

“I have to decide”, she sighed, and felt the heavy burden pull her down onto the mattress. Solas gave her an assuring smile, and stepped away from her bedside.

 

“You are the one who saw this chaos to an end. It is only fair that you be the one to make the decision”, he said and scribbled something on his parchment.

 

“And if I don’t want to”, Alessëa asked, hoping he would tell her that it would be all right, if she didn’t decide anything. If she took a step back, and let someone else be in charge.

 

“I don’t believe you have a choice in the matter”, he simply answered, and exited her tent.

 

* * *

 

As she walked through the gates of Haven a few days later, she was relieved. It was the closest she had come to feeling at home somewhere since the dales. She was granted one days rest before she had to meet the elite in the war room. That one days rest had to be used to write a report about everything that had happened at Thereinfall Redoubt. She had hoped she could avoid reliving the memory of that… she could still feel the hopelessness of the situation creeping up on her. And then there were the Templars awaiting her “judgement”. No matter what they needed the Templars’ help, but she needed to figure out under what circumstances they should help the inquisition… later, she decided, as she entered her cabin and started scribbling the report.

 

* * *

 

“Herald”, a voice inquired at her. Only then did Alessëa realize she had fallen asleep at her desk. She looked up to see Cullen at the entrance. “Am I interrupting”, he asked as he entered, and Alessëa shook her head. He had a funny expression on his face, but she was too tired to acknowledge it.

 

“I was writing the report, but I guess I fell asleep”, she said, and saw that the inkpot had spilled all over the almost finished report. “And I think I need to write a new one as well”, she said at the sight. Cullen gave a short laugh.

 

“And take a shower too, I think”, he said and gestured to her face. “You have ink all over as well”. She gasped in embarrassment and looked at her hands that surely were pitch-black with ink.

 

“Oh – I… well this is embarrassing”, Alessëa said with a flustered smile, and tried to remove the ink with a towel. “What’s on your mind commander”, she then asked, and motioned for him to sit on the only other chair in the room. The amused expression on his face vanished again as he spoke.

 

“I just came to inform you that the Templars have settled in, and are awaiting further instructions”, he said, but remained standing. “That is, if you have made a decision yet”, he added.

 

“Not yet”, she answered, focusing on the table. “I don’t really know anything yet…” she looked up at him.

 

“You should make a decision soon”, he interrupted with a harsh voice, looking sterner than he had a second ago. “The breach is still a threat, and we need to deal with it as soon as possible”. He looked away from her and she furrowed her brows, in frustration. She had hoped for some kind of advice – anything that could help her make up her mind.

 

“Is it too much to ask for a little advice, instead of you berating me”, she asked angrily. Cullen looked stupefied, like this was the last thing he had expected.

 

“I wasn’t…” he began in a frustrated tone, but then she interrupted him.

 

“Yes you were”, she almost shouted. She took a deep breath, and shifted her focus to her desk once more. “I will let you all know tomorrow”.

 

“All right, Herald”, Cullen said sounding almost upset. Before Alessëa could form the apology she wanted to for, once again, lashing out at him, he had walked out the door. So she wiped the rest of the ink from the table and herself, and started over with the new report.


	5. Chapter 5

_ Preparation  _

“Allies”, Alessëa confirmed at the war table. It was Leliana who had raised the question. “The Templar order proved themselves and… I don’t think we should disband them”, she continued. She dared not look up, to face everyone else’s facial expressions. Maybe someone would think it daring to keep an order that had been corrupted thoroughly. But after speaking with Barris, she felt certain it was the right decision.

 

“I think it is a good call”, Cullen chimed in, sounding pleased. “The remaining Templars are ready to serve the Inquisition in any way they can”. His eyes sought Alessëas for a short moment, and she thought she saw a hint of a smile there. But he looked away again so soon that it was impossible to be certain.

 

“How long before they are ready to close the breach”, Cassandra asked

 

“They need a few more days of preparation, then they should be ready”, Cullen informed with a formal tone. “If we could get more lyrium for them it wouldn’t hurt either”, he added.

 

“I will make the necessary arrangements”, Josephine concluded, sounding more enthusiastic than ever.  “Herald, please make sure you are well rested and prepared for this”, she added, giving her a sterner look. Alessëa just gave her a vague smile.

 

“I’ll make sure of it”, she said, and they concluded the meeting. As she walked out of the war room, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around and was face to face with Cullen; his brows were furrowed, and he looked a little like he was in pain.

 

“It cannot have been easy… going through what you did back there…” he began, but seemed to feel sick just saying the words.

 

“It wasn’t that bad”, she lied, knowing that everyone who had read her report felt sorry for her now. It made her uncomfortable and she wanted it to stop – immediately.

 

“Oh… Well… I just wanted to… apologize for being so brash yesterday”, he managed to stutter, and his eyes sought hers again. “I didn’t mean to… berate you”, he added, still holding her gaze. “I was just concerned about the situation, that’s all”, he ended, then looking down. Alessëa furrowed her brows. It seemed like it had taken a lot of swallowed pride for him to say that, and he seemed oddly humble at present, for a man who usually commanded such respect and authority.

 

“I believe I owe you an apology as well”, she said curtly, which made Cullen furrow his brow for an instant. “I was stressed out and tired, which I shouldn’t have taken out on you, so…” she ended while looking down on the ground. Now she understood why he looked like he was in pain – it almost physically hurt her to apologize to him, even though she knew he deserved it.

 

“Let’s forget it ever happened then”, he suggested with a reconciling smile and stretched out his hand towards her. Alessëa eyed him for a short second, then took his hand and shook it briefly.

 

“Consider it forgotten, commander”, she said with a smile, and let his hand go. As he walked out of the war room, Alessëa stood still, wondering why her heart was pounding so insistently in her chest, after shaking his hand.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the day was spent making visits to Seggrit to see if he had any new schematics for her. Then she brought the schematics to Harrith, who then began crafting the armor and weapons. And then she was pretty much free to do whatever she wanted. The only problem was that she wanted to have a drink… or many drinks. She had never really tried drinking much, but when Iron Bull talked about it, it sounded so liberating. But she was fairly certain that drinking herself into a stupor didn’t count as resting. So instead she found herself walking around the outskirts of Haven without a purpose. It felt nice and calming to have time to herself, where she didn’t need to think of anything else for a while. While walking towards the trebuchets she saw the uncanny figure of Cole ahead. She had allowed him to stay, to great dismay of Vivienne and several others. They believed him to be a demon, but she knew better. He had helped her selflessly – no demon would ever have done that.

 

“Hi Cole”, Alessëa said cheerfully as she neared him, hoping this wouldn’t be a strange conversation again. Cole’s facial expression didn’t change.

 

“When she looks away, he watches her, hoping for it to stop… but it never does”, Cole said, letting Alessëa know that this would indeed be a strange conversation.

 

“I don’t think people are loving how you share their thoughts with everyone”, she said with a overbearing smile. Cole furrowed his brows.

 

“But I help them – if you’d like I could make them forget”, he said, brows still furrowed.

 

“That’s not what I meant”, she said warmly, knowing there was nothing in the world that would make her understand his way of thinking. “Have you settled in well here”, she then asked hoping to get some sensible words out of him. Cole just looked at her like she had said something strange.

 

“There are a lot of people hurting here… I help them”, he answered, but said nothing of himself. “You’re hurting too… but you don’t want to admit it”, he continued. “You don’t want anyone to help you, but I can help… you wouldn’t even remember”.

 

“No!”, Alessëa protested. “You are not allowed inside my head anymore, Cole!” Her voice was angrier than she had anticipated, but she couldn’t bear the thought of having him analyze every single thought that went through her head. It would simply be too horrible.

 

“He doesn’t resent you”, he then said with a knowing voice. “He both hates and likes that you think that, but he doesn’t resent you…” Cole said with a knowing look, like he was helping her. The second she said it, she thought he must have been referring to Cullen… but that was highly unlikely.

 

“Cole you can’t do that – this is why people find you strange”, she said, feeling unnerved. Cole just gave her a strange, confused look and then he vanished. _At least he didn’t make me forget_ , she thought to herself before returning to her cabin.

 

When she got there she found herself both hopeful and somewhat discouraged. If Cole had referred to Cullen, it only meant that he wanted her to think he resented her. _But he also said he didn’t_ , she thought, which made her stomach curl unwillingly. This simply had to stop. She had to make those small twitches go away, before it made her physically ill. When she went to sleep that night it was still the only thing on her mind…


	6. Chapter 6

_ Safe Haven _

“Just focus all your energy past the Herald”, Cullen shouted to the Templars standing behind Alessëa. The sun had set a few hours earlier, leaving the sky casting a dark, ominous color of green towards its spectators. Alessëa felt her knees tremble beneath her, and took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. This had to work… this would make them safe – it had to, she thought. And then she raised her hand towards the green sky, and felt a surge of energy rush through her… and then blackness.

 

“Herald”, Alessëa heard from what seemed like several miles away. It sounded like Cassandra, but there was no way to be sure.  She opened her eyes and felt a slight shock as she looked straight into Cassandras face. “Are you all right”, she asked, looking genuinely concerned. Alessëa blinked a few times and then she nodded. “Can you stand”, she then asked, and Alessëa nodded again. Then Cassandra offered her hand to help Alessëa stand up, and she took it.

 

“Did it work”, Alessëa asked with a confused expression. She was still at the site where the Temple of Sacred Ashes had been, and one look at the sky answered her question; where the breach had been before was now just a small scar across the sky. She smiled weakly – her entire body felt like it had been trampled by a horse, and she was tired beyond measure. But at the same time a relief had just flooded her, and it overwhelmed her completely.

 

“You did it Herald”, Cassandra confirmed and motioned for her to walk with her towards Haven.

* * *

“An elven savior of Thedas”, Varric said. “This will piss off the Chantry royally”. Alessëa grinned at him and took a sip of her ale. It tasted funny, but it made her mind fuzzy and happy, so she would keep on drinking it.

 

“I don’t think they liked me very much in the first place”, she said, still grinning, feeling so wonderfully lightheaded.

 

“You’re right about that blondie”, Varric said with a smile. “So how are you going to celebrate”, he asked, and motioned to her almost empty mug.

 

“Well, I’m going to drink more of this for sure… And maybe I will have Josephine throw a banquet – she seems to love those”, she said and emptied her mug. As she did she saw Cullen in the crowd ahead of her. He was talking to Cassandra and Leliana… he seemed to be enjoying himself, although there was no mug in his hand. Alessëa couldn’t help herself from looking at him. He was so stoic, so tall… so _handsome_ , she thought. And then he looked back at her; it was only for a few seconds, but she could have sworn that he was smiling warmly at her… and was she mistaken, or was he blushing? Her heart fluttered in her chest, making her feel a little nauseous. Then he looked away again. She must’ve been mistaken, she thought before Varric interrupted her train of thought.

 

“Are you even listening to me”, Varric asked, pretending to be insulted. Alessëa blinked, feeling embarrassed that she had zoned out completely.

 

“Sorry… I must be a little tired”, she apologized, and gave him a smile.

 

“Yeah, yeah… or you’re just preoccupied with looking at Curly over there”, he insinuated with a sly grin. Alessëa shook her head in shock.

 

“No! It’s not like that at all…” she began, but was interrupted by the bell tolling loudly through Haven.

 

She ran towards Cullen, who was busy informing Leliana, Josephine and Cassandra about what was happening. She reached them just as Cullen was speaking.

 

“Forces are approaching”, he panted, gesturing to the small glints of light from the Frostbacks, heading in their direction. Shock was on everyone’s faces, including Alessëas. The inebriation she had felt just a moment earlier had vanished the instant he had said those words.

 

“Under what banner”, Josephine asked, trying to appear composed.

 

“None”, Cullen answered with desperation, which made Josephine look even more shocked.

Then he started ushering everyone to go through the gates, to what would be a poor sanctuary.

 

* * *

 

They had rescued as many townspeople as they could. Even though they had reached a lot of people, she knew that someone had been left behind. It made Alessëa’s heart heavy, but she tried to push it away.  She panted, as she ran towards the chantry where everyone was being evacuated to. Cullen was at the gates, ushering everyone inside, looking much focused. If he was at all panicking he hid it very well she thought. When he saw her running towards him with her companions in her tail, he gestured for them to hurry inside. In the chantry, everyone looked exhausted and discouraged. After the dragon had appeared, everyone had known that the chantry couldn’t protect them.  Chancellor Roderick lay bleeding in the arms of Cole. The man that had warned them, Dorian, sat in a corner, looking like all hope was lost. She couldn’t blame him – even she could feel the heaviness that surrounded her entire being. _You failed_ , she thought and wanted to fall to her knees on the floor and bury her head in her hands. But then she noticed the people in the chantry looking at her – waiting for her to do something. She composed herself instantly.

 

“Herald”, Cullen said, while rushing towards her. “Our position is not good – that dragon stole back any time you might have earned us”, he informed with a grave expression on his face. Before Alessëa could answer, Cole spoke.

 

“I’ve seen an archdemon – and it looked like that”, he said with no change in his expression. Cullen snorted.

 

“I don’t care what it looks like – it’s cut a part for that army”, he shouted now, his composure falling apart. “They’ll kill everyone in Haven”. His brows were furrowed, and his jaw was clenched.

 

“The Elder One doesn’t care about the Village – He only wants the Herald”, Cole said and looked at Cullen, still holding Roderick’s head on his lap.

 

“If it will save Haven’s people he can have me”, Alessëa uttered, without even thinking about what that meant. Her stomach dropped, and she felt queasy. But she remained calm.

 

Cole shook his head. “It won’t – he wants to kill you… no one else matters, but he will crush them anyway”, he said. Then he added with a sad tone “I don’t like him”.

 

Cullen looked positively flabbergasted at that statement. “You don’t like…”, he begun but then let it go and moved on to more important matters. “Herald – there is no way to make this survivable… the only thing that stopped them was an avalanche”, he said and the stern commander-look was on his face again. “We could turn the remaining trebuchets and cause one large slide”.

 

Alessëa furrowed her brows. “But we’re overrun… to hit the enemy would mean burying Haven”, she said, but she meant it as a question, as to whether or not this was the plan. She had done a poor job masking the concern and shakiness in her voice. Cullen sent her a decisive look.

 

“We’re dying, but we can decide how”, he stated with such conviction that she almost found the plan appealing. “Many don’t get that choice”, he then added, looking saddened by the thought of it all.

 

“Yes that!”, Cole burst, sounding almost enthusiastic. “Chancellor Roderick can help – he wants to say it before he dies”. Everyone’s eyes were on the dying man, who didn’t look like time was on his side much longer.

 

“There is a path…” he begun. And then he told them all about the road he had taken as a pilgrim – the road that would now save them all. Cullen now gave orders for the preparation to take the pilgrim’s path, while Alessëa tried to get herself ready for the unavoidable exit towards the Elder One. Cullen approached her again.

 

“If we make it – how will you make your escape”, he asked looking a little worried. Alessëa’s eyes gave him his answer; she would probably not escape anywhere. At the realization he sighed. But then something rebellious sparked in his eyes. “Perhaps you will surprise it – find a way”, he suggested, and then he followed the others through the Chantry, leaving Alessëa to make the journey to what would surely be her death.


	7. Chapter 7

_ Out of the frying pan…  _

The avalanche that blasted through Haven had been enough to make The Elder One escape on his dragon. But it had also pushed Alessëa underground to a tunnel that she didn’t know where ended. Her heart was still beating heavily from the confrontation with Corypheus, as she now knew his name was. For a long while she had been sure her life was ending. She had almost accepted it when a small blast of fury and rebellion had taken over, and she had launched the last trebuchet at the mountains, leaving Haven buried in the snow. Corypheus had been terrifying, and the thought of him made her shake uncontrollably once again. Her entire body ached from the fall and she suspected that a couple of broken ribs, because every breath felt like torture. She stood up, and looked around in the dark tunnel where the only visible thing was snow. She started walking, hoping she had found the right path forwards, and wasn’t moving towards a dead end. Her thoughts wandered to the others – had they been successful in their attempt of escaping? She felt hope spire within, as she saw torches lit ahead of her in the tunnel – someone had been here before her! She walked faster, as quickly as her sore limbs would carry her. When she finally reached the end of the tunnel, she was greeted by a white landscape, with no trace of people. Also snow was falling rapidly from the sky, sent by a cold wind. Alessëa fastened her cloak further around herself, bracing herself to continue walking through the snow. She had no idea which way to go, or even if there was someone waiting for her, but the idea of Corypheus catching up with her was enough to keep her moving.

 

* * *

 

Cullen looked anxiously out in the dark night, hoping to see her familiar shape come in to view. They had made camp a while away from the tunnel’s exit and there they had agreed to wait for her. He could feel the hoping slipping through his fingers as the hours went on. Surely she would have showed up by now if she was alive. He could see the hopelessness in everyone else’s faces as well. The Herald of Andraste had made a sacrifice for them… and she wasn’t around to receive the gratitude everyone was feeling. Despite his reserved position towards her, Cullen couldn’t help but feel emptiness in his stomach… like he had lost something very important to him, personally. He had been too strict towards her, he thought with regret. He probably hadn’t made her feel very welcome in Haven, or very useful for that matter. His stomach churned further as the guilt tore through him. If only she would return, so he could properly apologize and make it better!

 

“Commander…”, Cassandra said when she approached him. He tried not to appear startled, but he had been swallowed in his own thoughts for a while. The seeker looked just as he imagined he did himself. “What if she’s out there”, she said, pleading. Cullen furrowed his brows. The thought had crossed his mind numerous times. “We need to go look for her”, Cassandra pleaded further, her voice insistent and urgent. Cullen could do nothing but nod. He knew she was right, even though it would put them in danger.

 

“Tell Leliana and Josephine that we are forming a small search party”, he told her, and then he went to get a warm blanket from one of the wagons. In case the Herald was cold he told himself, suddenly very hopeful he would find her alive.

He walked alongside Cassandra when they exited the small camp they had set up. When they had left it, he realized how horrible the weather had become – the camp had offered them some shelter from the raging blizzard that seared through the Frostbacks. It made it almost impossible to see anything two feet ahead of him. But when they had walked for a while, he couldn’t help but think he saw a glistening, green spark in the midst of the snow. His heart skipped a beat – could it be? He sped up to a run, and soon reached the green spark. And there he found the Herald, lying in the snow looking a sickly shade of blue.

 

“Cassandra it’s her!” he shouted, and he heard Cassandra’s exalted reaction at the very same time.

 

“Is she alive?” he heard her asking with a touch of panic in her voice.

 

Cullen put his ear to Alessëas mouth, and felt a weak breath against it. “Barely, I think”, he said, and then he wrapped the blanket around her, and lifted her in his arms. Cassandra ran ahead, to tell the others to prepare for her return, and alert the heales. Cullen held Alessëa tightly to his chest, hoping she could take some of his warmth for herself. While they walked he heard himself whisper reassuringly “Don’t worry… you’re safe now. No harm will befall you ever again… I won’t let it happen”. Alessëa was unconscious, so she probably couldn’t hear him… and that was probably for the better he thought to himself.

When he entered the camp, it was a chaos of people wanting to see their savior and others trying to make way for the healers. Cullen laid her down on a make-shift gurney, and then he was ordered to step back. He wanted to stay, to hold her hand… make sure she was all right, but he couldn’t form the words to make it happen. So instead he retreated to the background where he stood and waited like everyone else.

 

“Will she make it”, he heard Leliana ask, but he couldn’t hear what the healer said. All he could see was the sickly color of the Heralds skin, and the bloodied clothes that were tossed aside from the work. Without even thinking about it, he bowed his head and prayed silently.

 

* * *

 

When Alessëa woke up she hurt everywhere. Each breath felt like a needle to her side and her body felt heavy and worn. She opened her eyes and saw that she was in a tent. Her heart fluttered for a second, because that would mean… had she found the others? She tried to sit up, but a hand on her arm stopped her in the motion.

 

“Don’t”, the rough voice said. “Your lungs will rupture if you sit”. Alessëa identified the voice as Adan, and she felt a gratitude for seeing a man she knew.

 

“How did I…” she began, but her voice was hoarse and she felt a sharp pain as she spoke. Adan searched for something in his bag, and found a small bottle.   


“Drink this – it should ease some of the pain from you”, he said without answering her question. Alessëa sipped the potion – it tasted horribly, but she had enough sense as to drink it all.

“You need to rest for now, but I will tell the others that you are awake, and well… under the circumstances at least”, he said in the still harsh voice. Alessëa nodded, and then she felt the potion making her mind fuzzy and light, and lulling her into a sleep-like daze.

 

In her dreams she saw a tall, blonde man in her tent. She saw him kneel before her bedroll, and mumble something that sounded remotely like prayer. She felt something warm enclose her hand, and some soft words spoken to her, begging her forgiveness. She felt confused, because she couldn’t make sense of the situation. She knew she had heard the voice before, but she couldn’t decide who it belonged to. But it felt calming and reassuring, and Alessëa didn’t want the flow of words to stop, or the comforting hand to let go of hers. When the man got up and left the tent, she tried to command her limbs to move, but she felt frozen in her position, couldn’t even open her eyes. She tried to make a sound, and beg him to stay, but nothing came out. As the hours went by, she felt control return to her, in time to hear a heated argument outside her tent. She opened her eyes and saw Adan still in her tent. She motioned to sit up, and as he didn’t protest, she did so, and left the tent, feeling relieved by the potion he had given her.

 

* * *

 

Cullen saw her exiting the tent, and he couldn’t help but feel a warmth spreading in his chest when he saw her. Alessëa looked tired and cold still, and her long, icy-blonde hair was in a ruffled braid, that had seen better days. Her skin was still alarmingly pale, but some color had returned to her cheeks. And her brown eyes seemed alert and a little startled. The others noticed that she had emerged, and they immediately stopped arguing.

 

“How are you feeling”, he heard Cassandra ask with a voice of rich concern and some relief. Alessëa gave them a weak smile.

 

“I’ve been better”, she said with a small grin. “But I really am grateful to be alive”, she assured them. She looked briefly at Cullen, but he just looked down, and couldn’t meet her gaze.

 

“You should rest some more, Herald”, Josephine said, gesturing to Alessëa’s hunched posture, and her painful facial expression. Cullen dared to look at her for a split-second and he definitely agreed with Josephine.

 

“Adan didn’t stop me when I got up, so I’m assuming this is all right”, Alessëa protested weakly.

 

“Alessëa – a word”, Solas interrupted, and Alessëa nodded, and followed him through the snow.

 

Cullen couldn’t help but feel a small pang of worry, as she made her way with him. Solas seemed to be supporting her with his arm, so she didn’t struggle so much, which made him feel both less worried, and a little… jealous wasn’t the word – it couldn’t be. It made him want to be the one protecting and supporting her. He winced at the realization. That wasn’t a good feeling to have towards the Herald that had just saved them all. He resigned to his bedroll, hoping to get some sleep, but he knew it probably wouldn’t come, disturbed by a thousand different thoughts and memories as he was.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos! I am very grateful :D

_ Skyhold _

Solas had told Alessëa about an abandoned castle – Skyhold. He had told her which way to go, and guided her all the way there. She was slowly recovering from her injuries, and she felt better and stronger with each passing day. As she skimmed the horizon for signs of this castle, she squinted, hoping it would make her see something that wasn’t there. Every last one of the survivors from Haven were cold, starving and generally exhausted – she knew that, even though everyone tried to pretend it wasn’t so. She could see it in the eyes of even Cullen and Leliana, and they weren’t prone to showing their weaknesses. When the sun set after a long day of wandering through the snow, hope even left Alessëa herself. She didn’t like it nor appreciate it, but she couldn’t help but feel that she had done everyone a disservice. She squinted her eyes further closed, because there was something that could look like…

 

“I think I see it”, Alessëa shouted with renewed energy and a lot of excitement. She heard strained footsteps behind her, and shortly after Cullen, Leliana, Josephine and Cassandra stood beside her and Solas.

 

“That’s definitely a settlement of a sort”, Cullen said, trying to contain the excitement he surely also felt. But Alessëa noticed the smile that loomed under his calm exterior.

 

“Solas, is this the one you told me about”, Alessëa asked him, her nerves threatening to end her from strain.

 

“Yes Herald – that is the lost Skyhold”, he confirmed, and a collective sigh of relief sounded through all of them.

 

Alessëa felt a surge of energy rush through her, as she sped up, and almost ran towards Skyhold. Her feet slipped on the snow and she fell flat on her face. As she sat up, she laughter behind her and she turned around to see who it belonged to – Leliana. She should have known, of course. Alessëa just gave her audience an embarrassed smile and got back up on her feet.

 

“A little over-excited Herald?”, Leliana joked with a smirk, and Alessëa blushed.

 

“You could say that”, she answered, and decided to just walk from then on. “I just couldn’t wait to get out of this blasted snow”, she said bitterly, but she couldn’t hold back the huge smile that spread across her face.

 

“I think we all are looking forward to that”, Cullen said mildly, but averting her gaze – instead he seemed to be focused on the snow before his feet as he trod it.

 

Alessëa had a weird feeling in her body every time she was around Cullen. It had been there in some degree before the attack on Haven, but after she had returned from the face-off with Corypheus, it had intensified. She thought she remembered strong, gentle arms holding her. Soft whispers in her ear… and him praying for her survival. But it was all so fuzzy and unclear that it might as well be a figment of her own imagination and wishes. Because if she was being completely honest with herself… She thought a little about it, but then stopped herself from going there even in her mind. It would only make everything immensely more difficult. But unwillingly her eyes wandered to his face where those brown eyes were. And the scar over his upper lip… he was unreasonably attractive which certainly did not make the case any easier on her part. She forced herself to look away from him and focus her gaze on the scape ahead of her.

 

* * *

 

Alessëa was ordered to get a good night’s sleep before doing anything of use for anybody. Adan checked her wounds one last time and assured everyone that she would be all right, and didn’t suffer any permanent damage. Despite the fact that Skyhold had been forgotten for a long period of time, most of the settlement was in fairly good shape. In Alessëa’s humble opinion, it wasn’t hard to see that the Great Hall had once been lavish and gorgeous… before being a room filled with dusty rubble of course. She had also been shocked when they showed her where they wanted her to sleep; in a room the size of a house. It even had its own balcony and a separate room where there were two empty beer casks. She was overwhelmed seeing as it was quite an upgrade compared to the bedroll she had occupied in a tent with her clan in the Dales. But nonetheless she had slept for a very long time and felt well rested for the first time in forever when she was woken up by a knocking on her door. She hurried down the stairs to open it.

 

“My lady Herald!”, Josephine greeted her with a surprisingly gracious smile – she looked as if she hadn’t slept since before Haven. “We have some urgent business to attend to in the courtyard”, she continued.

 

Alessëa blinked a few times, to make her eyes stop feeling so woozy. “I’ll go right away, she said, and Josephine nodded then furrowed her brows.

 

“That’s lovely but… maybe you should consider doing something about your hair first”, she said weakly and motioned to Alessëa’s completely out of control braid.

 

“Right”, Alessëa answered and Josephine turned around and walked back into the Great Hall, leaving Alessëa to “do something about her hair”. When she thought herself somewhat presentable, she exited the lavish quarters and made her way through the Great Hall. As she walked she speculated as to why it was empty – when she had been ushered to bed there had been a flurry of activity, but the hall was dead silent. When she was just about to exit to the courtyard Leliana stepped inside.

 

“Herald”, she greeted Alessëa with a secretive smile. Alessëa nodded to her. “After your triumph at Haven the people has renewed hope in our course… therefore we need a leader now more than ever”, she said with a serious expression on her face.

 

“Wouldn’t you or Cassandra be well suited”, Alessëa asked, a little confused as to why Leliana spoke to her in private about the matter.

 

“Cassandra and I are far too involved with the Chantry to be considered for the position… and besides we already have chosen our Inquisitor”, she informed, again with a gentle smile on her face.

 

“Oh”, Alessëa answered. “That’s wonderful!”.

 

They were joined by Cassandra and Josephine, both looking pleased. Cassandra was carrying a large sword in her hands.

 

“Alessëa – we want you to be our Inquisitor”, Leliana said, Cassandra and Josephine nodded in agreement.

 

“Me?”, Alessëa gasped in shock, looking flustered at them all. “No that’s no… surely there must be someone else better suited for…”, she stuttered, feeling the heat spread all over her face and body.

 

“Herald, you have proven yourself on so many occasions, proven to everyone that you are worthy!”, Cassandra interrupted her. “No one is better suited than you for the task”.

 

Alessëa swallowed, and then she nodded slightly. “All right… I can do this”, she assured them, but possibly even more herself. She felt her knees threatening to buckle underneath her as she was ushered down the stairs towards the courtyard. When she was halfway down, she saw that all the survivors from Haven had gathered around the staircase. She felt her heart pounding even harder in her chest – it felt as if she could faint any moment. Then she felt the calming hand from Cassandra on her shoulder.

 

“Commander! Has the people been told?”, Cassandra shouted towards Cullen who stood in the crowd in front of them.

 

“They have Cassandra”, he shouted back, a triumphant smile on his face. Then the crowd rallied behind him in praise for their new Inquisitor. Alessëa could hardly hear the voices – she only heard her own blood rush through her veins. But when Cassandra handed her the sword, she managed to hold it high up over her head with some authority, which made the crowd shout even louder, before they suddenly went completely silent. They all looked at her, waiting for her to say something. Suddenly she wished she had had more time to prepare, because she had absolutely no idea of what to tell all those people.

 

“I am not doing this for glory”, Alessëa begun, and swallowed before continuing. “I am doing this because it’s right, and we must do everything in our power to make our world safe again!”, she shouted, and the crowd applauded her, filling her chest with warmth and confidence.

 

* * *

 

Cullen stood in the courtyard of the Inquisitions new home – Skyhold. They were working on clearing an office for him in connection to the battlements, but until it was done, he spent most of his time at a make-shift desk near the training grounds. It had been a day since the appointment of Alessëa to Inquisitor, and he had yet to congratulate her. He caught himself looking at her when she received and read reports – he noticed how her brows furrowed when she was concentrating, and how she fiddled with a strand of her hair while reading. Sometimes she looked back at him, and then he quickly focused his glance elsewhere. He didn’t know if she remembered his behavior after finding her outside Haven – if she did, she certainly kept it well-hidden from him. He had agreed with the others that she would make the best Inquisitor out of all of them… but he didn’t want to tell her that. It felt almost too sentimental in a way.

His eyes focused on a report on the table before him, when he caught Alessëa’s familiar silhouette in the corner of his eye. He looked up and quickly assessed that she was on her way to him. He felt a very familiar lump in his throat and the now well-known feeling of his heart speeding up at the sight of her. As she reached him, he even managed to smile weakly at her.

 

“Do you ever sleep?”, she asked him jokingly, motioning to the huge stacks of reports piling on his desk.

 

“If Corypheus strikes again we may not be able to withdraw”, he began, feeling more comfortable talking to her about work. “And I wouldn’t want to”, he added.

 

“I understand”, she said, looking slightly uncomfortable at the mention of Corypheus.

 

“Work on Skyhold is underway – guard rotations are established”, he quickly added, hoping it would make her feel safer, more secure. “We should have everything on course within the week”, he ended, and scratched his neck with his hand. Alessëa gave him a weak smile, and he felt like an idiot for blushing then and there.

 

“How many were lost at Haven”, she asked, looking nervous. He could tell that she wanted an answer he couldn’t possibly give her honestly.

 

“Most of our people made it to Skyhold”, he stated, and immediately noticed how she winced for a short second. “It could have been worse”, he added, sounding almost optimistic. “Morale was low – it has improved greatly since you accepted the role as Inquisitor”, he assured her.

 

“Inquisitor Lavellan”, she said barely audible. “It sounds strange, doesn’t it?”, she asked him.

 

“Not at all”, he answered promptly.

 

“Is that the official response?”, she asked, and he could hear an inch of a joke in her tone.

 

He laughed lightly. “I suppose it is – but it’s also the truth”, he confirmed.

 

“Thank you Cullen”, she said earnestly, and then she motioned to walk away. But then she changed her mind and turned back towards him. “Our escape from Haven”, she begun, looking down in the dirt before her. “It was close… I’m relieved that you – that so many made it out”, she almost whispered, and in the end finally sought his gaze.

 

He locked her eyes with his, feeling an urge to give her a hug – to hold her close, and let her know that way, that the feeling was mutual. But he couldn’t bring himself to do anything but answer. “As am I”, he finally said, and couldn’t bare looking into her eyes any longer – he felt as if he could get lost there, if he lingered. Alessëa looked away, and then turned to walk away again. Words were fighting to get across his lips, and he had to utter them before she walked away from him. “You stayed behind”, he said barely audible, and she faced him once more. He willed his feet to take a step towards her. “You could have… I will not allow the events at Haven to happen again. You have my word”, he said while cementing the words with his eyes. Her eyes looked confused back into his, before she turned around and walked towards the Great Hall.


	9. Chapter 9

_ Addiction _

Alessëa didn’t sleep well at night anymore. It felt like there was something pressing down on her chest, making her breathing strained. It wasn’t as bad in daytime when she could distract herself with Inquisition business. Presently they were planning for her to travel to Crestwood to meet with a friend of Hawke’s – a Grey Warden none the less. The only Wardens Alessëa had heard of was the Hero of Ferelden and Alistair Theirin – now the king and queen of Ferelden.

The night was almost over, and Alessëa resigned to the fact that she would get no sleep this night either. She sat up and got dressed, needing some kind of comfort to replace the sleep she was lacking, and headed to the tavern. She had not had a drink since the celebration at Haven… but she could still remember the calm woozy feeling it had left her with. She wondered if she could drink enough to be able to sleep. Her quiet footsteps reached the steps leading down to the courtyard, and only the guards on the battlements were visible. She furrowed her brow for a short second – it looked as if there was still light in Cullen’s office. She considered going up there to check on him – make sure nothing was wrong, but she decided against it. Since their talk in the courtyard a couple of days ago, she had had a feeling that it would be better if she didn’t seek out his company too often. Otherwise the twitches his presence evoked in her stomach would probably never cease to exist – which they had to! Instead she headed into the tavern, expecting to be utterly alone. But to her surprise she found Dorian snooping around in the liquor storage. At first he didn’t notice her, but when he finally did, he looked like he was about to sprint out of the building – hands full of expensive liquor.

 

“It’s a little early for the Inquisitor to drink isn’t it?”, he asked with a sarcastic tone, putting the liquor down on the table before him.

 

Alessëa shrugged. “There should be some advantage to a fancy title, shouldn’t there”, she asked, and opened one of the bottles he’d put down. “We could drink together – that would make it less pathetic”, she suggested, and he seized the opportunity and found to mugs and poured them a drink.

 

“You don’t strike me as a drinking type”, he said, looking at her like she was a curious creature.

 

“I don’t think I am”, she muttered, and took a large sip of the drink. It was very strong and it burned all the way through her esophagus.

 

“Rough night?”, he asked and emptied his mug, leaving Alessëa looking very impressed. He noticed her bewildered look. “Unlike you, I have had a lot of training in this particular discipline”, he informed with a sly grin.

 

“I see – and to answer your question… it’s been a rough night every night since… forever”, she said and tried drinking from the mug again. This liquor was way stronger than the ale she had been drinking in Haven. She already felt fuzzy.

 

“I take it you’re not a fan of crazy darkspawn magisters trying to raise themselves to godhood”, he said dryly and poured himself another drink.

 

“Not in particular, no”, she answered. “It would be very much simpler if I had never been at the Conclave… I would still be home with my clan – possibly I would have begun my keeper-training by now”, she pondered with a sluggish voice. When she took another gulp of her drink it didn’t burn as much anymore.

 

“Then who would swoop in and save Thedas – not me I’ll tell you”, Dorian said crassly, pretending to be a little insulted.

 

“I don’t know… maybe Solas – he seems to want to save the world and know all about the mark. He can have it!”, Alessëa almost shouted, not completely in control of her mind anymore. She reached out for the bottle, but Dorian stopped her.

 

“My dear Inquisitor – not that this haven’t been fun, but as a person concerned for your future headache, I’m afraid I have to cut you off”, Dorian said smugly. “You really are a lightweight”, he added and laughed.

 

“You’re mean”, Alessëa muttered, but she now realized she felt wonderfully tired. “I’m going to go sleep some more now”

 

Dorian raised his brows for a short second. “I think that sounds like a very wise plan Inqusitor”. The Alessëa stumbled out the door, noticing the light still glowing from Cullen’s quarters, before she finally crawled into her comfy bed.

 

* * *

 

When she awoke her head was exploding with pain. That was a side-effect she hadn’t considered when she wanted to be fuzzy. She sat up and looked out the window – judging by the sun it looked like it was midday. She was surprised that no one had come to force her out of bed sooner, and she felt a pang of guilt from her irresponsible behavior. She got up from the bed – slowly so she didn’t provoke the headache to sting through her entire skull. She suddenly felt very grateful over Dorian cutting her off. She went to her washbasin and splashed some water in her face – it didn’t help one bit. _But at least you got some sleep_ , she thought bitterly and made her way down the stairs.

 

Alessëa stood patiently through the meeting in the war room, hoping no one would notice how she felt as if she was decomposing before everyone’s very eyes. When the meeting concluded, she hurried out the door and headed out in the fresh air, feeling as if it helped her keep herself together. She didn’t notice Cullen before he stood before her, looking like he was in more pain than she was. Alessëa quickly snapped out of her own misery, and tried to look sharp.

 

“Inquisitor – can I have a word?”, he asked, sounding less sure of himself than he usually did.

 

“Of course Cullen – what’s on your mind?”, she asked concerned. Judging by the look on his face, whatever he was going to say was very grave.

 

He looked uncomfortable, and his hand reached up behind his neck. “Can we possibly… go somewhere less crowded”, he suggested and Alessëa gave him an understanding nod, and let him lead the way until they were in his office. There he stood looking like he could pass out or throw up any minute. Alessëa’s concern grew more intense by the second.

 

“Cullen – is everything…”, she began, but he interrupted her.

 

“As leader of the Inquisition… there is something I must tell you”. His voice sounded stern and bitter.

 

“Whatever it is I’m willing to listen”, Alessëa said softly, but it didn’t seem to calm him down very much.

 

He looked up at her. “Right – thank you”, he said dryly, and paced the room. “Lyrium grants templars our abilities. But it controls us as well”, he began, stopping at his desk, looking down at a vial of lyrium lying in a small wooden box. “Those cut off suffer – some go mad… others die”, he continued, still looking at the vial. “We have secured a reliable supply of lyrium for the Templars here… but I no longer take it”, he ended without looking at Alessëa. His last words sounded shameful, which made Alessëa’s stomach curl.

 

“You’ve stopped”, she noted with poorly hidden surprise. Cullen still didn’t look away from the table.

 

“When I joined the Inquisition… it’s been months now”, he said with a small voice. Suddenly Alessëa found Cullen to look… fragile. She noticed how his eyes were framed by dark circles, and that he looked pale, like from lack of sleeping. She remembered the light streaming from his room that night, and she felt the concern for him spread in her chest. And she felt dread at what he had said about those cut off from lyrium.

 

“Cullen, if this can kill you”, she began, but he quickly cut her off.

 

“It hasn’t yet”, he said calmly. “After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn’t – I will not be bound to the order or that life any longer”, he continued soundly bitter again. “Whatever the suffering, I accept it”, he said now looking straight at her with a determined expression. “But I would not put the Inquisition at risk – I’ve asked Cassandra to… watch me”, he informed. “If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from my duty”. When he said it, he sounded like he had accepted it as a possibility. But Alessëa felt like she was falling apart inside. Not only was her head pounding from her previous escapade, but now her gut wrenched at the thought of Cullen either dying or leaving his post as commander – none of those options were appealing.

 

Alessëa felt her face take on a concerned expression as she asked him the question that was burning on her tongue. “Are you in pain?”

 

“I can endure it”, he answered with a spiteful tone. Like he was trying to prove something to her.

 

“Thank you for telling me, Cullen”, Alessëa finally said, when her composure was somewhat back. “I respect what you’re doing”, she added, feeling comforted by him assuring her the pain wasn’t unbearable.

 

“Thank you Inquisitor”, Cullen said with a hint of gratitude. Then he sat down in his chair, and started going through the reports on his desk.

 

Alessëa took it as a hint that they were finished talking, so she walked out of the door without saying goodbye. Out on the battlements she was overwhelmed by her headache once more. She didn’t know how she would be able to ride to Crestwood the next morning if it continued. And with the added concern for Cullen, it didn’t seem like it would be gone anytime soon. She wanted to kick herself for being so emotional about his confession – it wasn’t sound of her to nurture the feelings she clearly had for him. So far he had given her next to no indication of her being of any personal importance to him. He had expressed gratitude for her survival – but she was the Herald – of course he was grateful. Alessëa went into her quarters, trying to think of something else before she would inevitably be distracted by her journey to Crestwood. She only hoped Dorian suffered as much as she did…  


	10. Chapter 10

_ Anticipation  _

Alessëa couldn’t wait to reach to Skyhold again. Their journey to Crestwood had been exhausting. She had fought undead which was not her favorite pastime at all. They had discovered treachery from the village’s mayor, and they had sent word to Skyhold so they could catch him and bring him in for judgement. Alessëa felt a chill at the thought. The only other person she had judged was Knight-Captain Denam, and that had not been a very hard call on her part. But the mayor… somehow she believed his letter. After they had met with Stroud – Hawkes warden friend, they had been so lucky as to stumble upon a dragon. It had been impossible for them to flee, so they had to try and beat it. She didn’t know exactly how long they had been at it for, because her mind went numb after the first couple of hours. But when it finally lay slain she had been able to focus enough to hear Iron Bull’s triumphant laughter, and Dorian’s disgust over having his clothes drenched in both his and the dragon’s blood. Alessëa had also had enough of a mind as to make sure everything useful was looted from the carcass before they headed back to Skyhold. All the time, she tried to ignore the gash on her thigh that wouldn’t really stop bleeding, even after Dorian had tried to bandage it. It had made their progress back slower than they’d liked, but she couldn’t be on horseback for long before she felt dizzy. When she finally saw the familiar tower in the distance, she felt relief shower over her – the others of course noticed her anticipation.

 

“Something special waiting for you when you get back, Inquisitor”, Dorian asked, as he rode his horse up next to hers.

 

Alessëa furrowed her brow. When she thought about it – she had really missed her bed… and something else, she didn’t want to think too much about. “A proper healer”, she answered dryly, leaving Dorian to snort with pretended insult.

 

“That’s not a proper display of gratitude for someone who kept you alive”, he accused, but she heard the joking tone of his voice, and gave him a sincere laughter, and sped up her horse, eager to ride through the gates.

 

When she reached the stables and got off her horse, it was already night, and therefore there were very few people to receive them. So she took care of the horses herself, and she actually liked it that way. It reminded her of taking care of the hallas back in her clan. She had been responsible for their welfare alongside with one other person, and she had loved every minute of it. As she thought of it, she felt homesick again – a feeling she had had more and more often recently. It wasn’t that she didn’t like the people in the Inquisition… she just felt so heavy with the responsibility of being in charge – of people dying in her name. She couldn’t help but wish sometimes that she hadn’t been the one they had sent to the Conclave. But at the same time she knew she had to do anything in her power to stop the world from falling apart – after that she could resign and return to her clan, she convinced herself. She leaned her head against the powerful neck of the horse. It seemed to like it, because it gave a satisfied noise before she closed the door to the stables behind her.

The courtyard was silent and dark when she crossed it – without even noticing she gazed up at Cullen’s tower – it was dark as the night. It pleased her because that meant he was sleeping for once – something she was convinced he didn’t do much more than she did. Now that she was back, she felt the concern for him reach her again. She wanted to know that he was all right and not in any pain. And most of all she wanted to make sure he was even still around. Maybe Cassandra had made him leave in the weeks that had passed since she left for Crestwood. The thought made her dizzy for a moment, but it could also be because her wound had opened again. She walked down to the other end of the courtyard where a healer took a look at her before she was ordered to bedrest.

 

* * *

 

 Cullen had heard that the Inquisitor had returned in the middle of the night. At the same time he was informed that she had been ordered not to get out of bed for at least a couple of days, because she had been wounded while fighting a dragon. He had wanted to go see her immediately, but had decided against it. Josephine had already called for a meeting in the Inquisitor’s chambers later that day – he could wait that long, he convinced himself. He kept himself busy with reports and strategy meetings with people stationed all over. When a messenger finally told him it was time to go to the meeting, he went there right away, anxious to see her again. They hadn’t spoken since his confession, because she had left so soon afterwards. And it had felt as if something had changed after their talk, but he couldn’t quite figure out what it was. But he had seen genuine concern for him in her eyes, and it had made him wonder if he maybe wasn’t alone in feeling… something. He shook his head, trying to force himself not to overthink the situation. No matter what feelings he might have, it was not going to lead to anything – it wouldn’t be appropriate. He cleared his head, and knocked on the door to her quarters. A servant received him, and he climbed the remaining stairs before he saw her sitting upright in her bed, covered by a blanket. She looked pale – probably from the wound – but she was smiling as he walked towards her, making her look luminescent in his eyes. He forced himself not to seem too happy, knowing it would make him blush, because of the thoughts that spired. Not to mention the two other advisors in the room, sitting at the Inquisitors desk, ready to start the meeting.

 

“Welcome back”, he finally uttered, trying to make his voice stoic and professional. She smiled in return, and he took the last remaining seat at the desk.

 

“First of all, sorry for not alerting you about the dragon much sooner”, Alessëa said with an apologetic tone. “We spotted it early on, so we should have notified you right away – maybe this could have been avoided”, she said gesturing to her leg that was hidden under the covers.

 

“We are just very pleased to have you back alive and somewhat well Inquisitor”, Josephine assured her with an enthusiastic smile.

 

“But please don’t make a habit of hunting dragons”, Leliana shot in, with a playful expression. “They really require a lot of effort with transportation”.

 

“I will keep that in mind”, Alessëa agreed and smiled once more.

 

It occurred to Cullen that Adan must have given her something very strong since she could appear this calm and… serene was it? He remembered Josephine mentioning something about a very sensitive topic they had to discuss with her, and as far as he could tell that was first order of business. Josephine definitely looked a little nervous before she spoke.

 

“While you were away we received word from your clan that… bandits have been attacking them in their new settlement near Wycome”, Josephine informed, and all color vanished from Alessëa’s face.

 

“Are they… is everyone”, she tried, but her voice cracked before she could construct an entire sentence.

 

“As far as we have heard they have taken few casualties, but… they need our help”, Leliana said, clearly trying to comfort the Inquisitor.

 

“Do we know who?”, Alessëa asked with a desperate tone and look on her face.

 

“It was warriors… protecting your clan. I’m sorry, Inquisitor”, Leliana answered, and Alessëa wiped a tear away from her cheek with a hasty motion.

 

“Is there anything we can do to stop this?”, she asked after taking a few moments to regain her composure. Cullen studied her with worry and concern. She had probably known these warriors, and now she would never get to see them again. He couldn’t imagine how that would feel for her.

 

“I would suggest contacting the Duke of Wycome”, Josephine said, and began to explain why that would be the best option.  Alessëa nodded thoughtfully after every bit of information, and when Josephine was done, Alessëa just looked at Leliana and him, waiting for them to present a better suggestion. Cullen wanted to send forces to aid the Dalish in their battle against the bandits. And Leliana, of course suggested spies and some aid, to help distract the bandits for long enough to be able to escape.

 

“Isn’t the spies and soldiers to far away to reach them in time?”, Alessëa asked anxiously, not liking any of the suggestions very much. Cullen furrowed his brow.

 

“We have men stationed in the area, but it would take them a couple of days to reach Wycome”, Cullen answered reluctantly, knowing that it wasn’t the answer she had been hoping for. Instead she turned to Leliana, who gave her the same message.

 

“So the Duke’s men are the closest ones to aid my clan”, she concluded, looking not very happy about it. “Send word to him, and ask him to help them in any way he can… please”, she ordered in a very concerned and earnest voice. “Do whatever you can to make them safe again”.

 

“As you wish Inquisitor”, Josephine said, and sent a messenger to the rocketry with the letter to the Duke. Then the Inquisitor briefed them on her experiences in Crestwood, and was informed that they had scouts out searching for the mayor. When the meeting was concluded all three of them started walking towards the stairs.

 

“Commander, can I have a word?”, Alessëa asked right before he was about to leave her room. Cullen’s heart fluttered for a second, and then he returned to his seat by her desk.

 

“Inquisitor?”, he inquired, wondering what she could want to talk about in private.

 

“I was just… I wanted to know…”, Alessëa stuttered, and Cullen thought he saw a small flash of rose on her cheeks when she swallowed before continuing. “How are you feeling?”, she finally mustered, and sought his eyes.

 

Cullen thought about it for a few seconds. Since he had talked to her, it was as if the healers had been especially attentive towards him – bringing him potions to help with headaches and insomnia. He ­suspected that it was her doing, and her asking about it, only strengthened that suspicion. “I am well Inquisitor”, he answered earnestly. “And please don’t trouble yourself on my behalf… you have enough on your plate”, he added still looking in her eyes.

 

Alessëa looked relieved that he was doing better. “Cullen I think that it would qualify as my job to trouble myself on your behalf”, she protested with a half-smile. “I would be a terrible leader, if I _didn’t_ concern myself with the people working for me, wouldn’t I?”, she asked him suggestively, and he couldn’t help but smile at her.

 

“I suppose you would”, he agreed, still smiling.

 

“I am so very pleased that we agree, Commander”, she noted with a sly grin. Cullen couldn’t help the blush from spreading over his cheeks now – it was inevitable. He didn’t understand how she could be so… relaxed when she knew about her clan’s dangerous situation. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he was probably a distraction for her right now – a problem that she could do something about – something that didn’t make her feel useless, like her clan’s situation did. He wanted to ask her about it – make sure that would be all right. He just couldn’t find any words of comfort to offer her.

 

“I should get going”, he finally said, and she nodded, looking a little disappointed. “Get well soon”, he added before leaving.

 

* * *

 

After a few days, Alessëa was allowed to leave her bed, but she wasn’t allowed to leave Skyhold before the wound was in no danger of opening again. Mostly she read reports and assigned duties to various people, but when she had time, she went into the garden where she tended to her plants. She had managed to find seeds for royal elfroot and prophet’s laurel during her travels, and she nursed them with care, since they were very valuable to the healers. Josephine had told her that she should find someone else to do the job – gardening wasn’t something a respected Inquisitor should be doing. Alessëa didn’t mind – it was in the meager tasks that she felt she did the most use, and also it made her feel almost like a normal person. Also it proved to be a wonderful distraction from the thoughts of her clan’s fate that kept lingering in her mind.

When she had watered and trimmed the plants, she noticed voices from the other side of the garden; sitting at the chessboard was Dorian – even with his back to her there was no mistaking those lavish clothes for someone else’s – sitting in front of him, with a triumphant grin on his face was Cullen. Alessëa decided to check who was winning, though it seemed evident that Cullen was in the lead, based on his triumphant expression.

 

“Gloat all you like – I have this one”, she heard Cullen say with a snarky voice. Dorian sighed.

 

“Are you sassing me Commander – I didn’t know you had it in you”, he commented dryly, and moved another piece. Cullen glanced at the board for a short moment as Alessëa approached them, then motioned to move his piece.

 

“Why do I even”, he began, but then he noticed her, and motioned to get up, looking startled. “Inquisitor!”, he exclaimed.

 

“Leaving, are you?”, Dorian said slyly, looking very pleased. “Does this mean I win?”

 

Cullen immediately sat back down in his chair, looking quite displeased with the situation.

 

“Are you two playing nice?”, Alessëa asked them with a grin, and Dorian looked possibly insulted by the insinuation that he wouldn’t be doing just that.

 

“I’m _always_ nice”, he said with a slick grin, looking up at her. Then he turned his gaze back towards the commander. “You’ll need to come to terms with my inevitable victory. You’ll feel much better”, he teased, and let Cullen finish his turn.

 

“Really”, Cullen said and made Dorian checkmate. “Cause I just won, and I feel fine”, he said smugly and leaned back in his chair with a gloating grin. Dorian looked displeased, and possibly a little angry. Alessëa had him pitted for being a sore loser, and she had a feeling she was right.

 

“Don’t get smug – there’ll be no living with you”, he said with ill-concealed resentment, and left the table.

 

As Dorian walked away, Cullen looked up at Alessëa, still with a very triumphant grin on his face. “I should get back to my duties as well… unless you would care for a game”, he suggested, and Alessëa nodded.

 

“Prepare the board, Commander”, she said with a smile.

 

He arranged the pieces while Alessëa observed. She had played so few games of chess that she hardly knew what she was doing. She really wanted to spend some time with Cullen, however, and right now he seemed so… free and relaxed. She had hardly ever seen him do anything but work.

 

“As a child, I played this with my sister. She would get this stuck-up grin whenever she won – which was _all_ the time. My brother and I would practice for weeks – oh the look on her face the day I finally won. Between serving the Templars and the Inquisition, I haven’t seen them in years… I wonder if he still plays”, he told her, and Alessëa found herself surprised that he had family. He had never mentioned anything about that to her in all the months they had been working together.

 

“You have siblings?”, she inquired, and Cullen nodded.

 

“Two sisters and a brother”, he explained, and moved his first piece. Alessëa tried to remember the names of all the pieces, and what they could do, but she didn’t want to humiliate herself by asking him for help. So she moved the only one she could think of how moved – a pawn. Cullen furrowed his brows before considering his next move”

 

“Where are they now?”, she asked, and tried to lure what he had done with the horse.

 

“They moved to South Reach after the blight… I do not write them as often as I should”, he answered while anticipating her next move. She quickly moved another pawn, and she could see in his face that he thought it was odd. “Oh, my turn”, he exclaimed.

 

“I don’t think I will make you relive the humiliation of losing once more… I’m actually quite terrible at chess”, Alessëa admitted, before moving the horse the way she had seen him doing it.

 

“I noticed that”, he teased with a grin.

 

“Chess wasn’t everyone’s favorite pastime in my clan”, she explained while he moved another piece. Even though she hadn’t played very often, she could see that he was trying to finish her off quickly, and she had no idea how to stop him.

 

“I can imagine”, he said, and she hoped he didn’t notice how she teared up a little when she mentioned her clan. She moved a piece she hoped would get her out of trouble.

 

“You should write to your sister”, Alessëa blurted, after having been lost in thought for a few moments. “Let her know that you are well”

 

“I will”, he promised her, then looked up at her with a wondrous expression. “This may be the longest we have gone without discussing the Inquisition – or related matters”, he said and leaned over the table towards her. “To be honest – I appreciate the distraction”, he added and smiled at her.

 

Alessëa didn’t even consider her words before they flew out of her mouth: “We should spend more time together”. As soon as she had uttered them, she blushed and looked down at the board, completely unable to focus on anything anymore. She really hoped that he hadn’t heard the urgency in her voice. It was so transparent.

 

“I would like that”, he answered softly, to her surprise. He sought her gaze and he smiled at her, and she blushed even further.

 

“Me too”, she said, and realized she hadn’t considered her words once more. She moved a piece, just for the distraction from his eyes looking so warmly at her.

 

“You said that”, he noted with a small smile, looking as if she had said something very nice, and not stupid like she thought. At his words, Alessëa felt her stomach do its signature churn, reserved for when he was around. It made her feel dizzy. She swallowed once before daring to glance at his face again. He was still smiling. “We should finish our game”, he suggested softly. “Right, my turn”, he said, and placed his attention towards the board. Alessëa’s heart hammered away in her chest. This was bad, really, really bad. If she had been feeling something towards him before, this had made it worse. She felt certain that he had been encouraging her, but she dared not believe it. Right in that moment when he looked so focused, she wanted nothing more than to reach over the table and kiss him. _You’re not going to do that_ , she reprimanded herself.

 

In three swift moves he annihilated her, and he looked almost as pleased as he had done with Dorian. She pretended to be insulted.

 

“It seems this one is mine”, he proclaimed with that very charming, triumphant grin.

 

“Come on Cullen! This hardly counts as an accomplishment”, she teased while laughing slightly. To her stomachs frustration he beamed back at her.

 

“A victory is a victory – even if your opponent is horrible at chess”, he joked, and motioned to get up.

 

“I will practice, and next time you will regret being so presumptuous”, she warned with a grin.

 

“I’ll… see you around”, he mumbled as he got up from his chair, his eyes burning holes in her skin. Or it felt that way anyhow.

 

“Of course”, she said eagerly, and then he walked out of the garden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my world Adan is never replaced - I like him, even though he is just a minor character in the game :)


	11. Chapter 11

_ Falling apart _

__

Alessëa stared into the fire at their camp in the Exalted Plains. She was exhausted, and wanted nothing more but to leave that place, filled with undead and Freemen. Unfortunately she had a lot to do before they could go back to Skyhold, so she settled her mind for the unpleasantness. She had only briefly spoken to Cullen since their game. She had not known how to act like a normal person, and it seemed he felt uncomfortable with her presence once again – he definitely appeared to do so.

 

“You wouldn’t happen to have brought wine?”, Dorian inquired from the other side of the fire. “I’m afraid I’ve run out”, he said innocently.

 

“I thought you nearly cleared out the wine cellar before we took off”, Alessëa noted with a shrug.

 

“Yes, but that was when I thought we would only be gone a few weeks – we have long surpassed that, and we’re not even nearly done”, he protested, looking very anguished.

 

“Ask Bull – he may not have wine, but he must have something else… I don’t drink anymore”, Alessëa answered, making Dorian look displeased.

 

“A simple _no_ would have sufficed”, he said and crossed the camp to join Bull, who surely enough had brought something very strong for drinking.

 

Cassandra had already gone to bed, so Alessëa sat alone, waiting for the fatigue to hit her. Usually it arrived a few hours before dawn, when she was too exhausted to think straight anymore. She didn’t sleep enough – she knew that, but she had ledt Skyhold before word had arrived on the fate of her clan, so that was pretty distracting, and her chest tightened every time she thought about it. She pulled her cloak tighter around her, to shield herself from the cold of the night that had settled when a raven landed behind her carrying a letter. Her heart started racing, because she knew it had to be bad news for them to send a raven instead of a messenger. She took the small, rolled up paper from the raven, and opened it.

 

_Inquisitor,_

_We have word on your clan – return to Skyhold at your earliest opportunity, and we will discuss it further._

_Leliana_

Alessëa felt nauseous. If the news had been good they would have specified it in the note, so that meant… Her chest clenched and she felt some sort of numbness spread through her. _You don’t know how bad it is yet – it isn’t necessarily bad_ , she forced herself to think, but it didn’t make any sense. She got up from her spot and walked towards Dorian and Bull, who appeared to have a wonderful time. They were still laughing when she reached them, but upon noticing her disturbed expression their laughter stifled.

 

“Who died?”, asked Dorian with a grin. Alessëa went pale at his comment and felt her stomach churn once more. Dorian noticed and the grin immediately vanished from his face. Bull also looked more severe than a moment ago.

 

“Everything okay, Boss?”, he inquired, even though Alessëa suspected that he already knew the answer.

 

“Um…”, she tried, but her voice swelled with emotion from trying to form the words. Instead she handed Dorian the letter that had been almost crumbled in her hand. He read it and when he finished, he passed it on to Bull. They both looked at her with concern.

 

“We will leave right away”, Dorian concluded and motioned to get up.

 

“No!”, Alessëa exclaimed, to the surprise of both of them. “I… I can’t go yet”, she said still feeling her throat tighten with every word.

 

“Forgive me for asking”, Dorian said apologetically, raising one eyebrow. “But why not?”, he asked, and waited for her answer with a puzzled look.

 

“There’s too much to do here still”, Alessëa said, trying to keep her composure. The truth was: she didn’t want to return to Skyhold and find out. When she was in the Exalted Plains she could at least pretend that it hadn’t happened, since technically it hadn’t yet.

 

“Boss, I’m sure the three stiffs at Skyhold will get it – heck they even told you to go!”, Bull coerced, but Alessëa couldn’t agree.

 

“We’re not leaving until we have done what we came for”, Alessëa stated, and hoped they would accept it as final. “This other thing… it can wait”, she added, mostly to convince herself that there was no rush. The news would be the same no matter when she returned. She sighed heavily and motioned to leave.

 

“Alessëa”, Dorian said softly, and she turned her eyes towards him again. “You just… tell me if you need anything”, he pleaded, and she could only muster a nod, certain that if she opened her mouth again, all that would fall out from there was sobs and hysterical crying. When she reached her tent and laid herself to rest on the bedroll, she felt anxious and numb at the same time. _It really can wait_ , she convinced herself one last time when sleep finally claimed her.

 

* * *

 

The next weeks felt like slow motion to Alessëa. She distracted herself with slaying the dragon and ridding the Exalted Plains of the undead. When she had met the Dalish clan, her heart had felt heavy with sorrow – which she tried to tell herself wasn’t necessary, even though it became harder with each passing day. When they finally headed back to Skyhold, it was only because Cassandra had heard Dorian and Bull talking about the letter, and she had insisted that they left right away. And ever since leaving, Alessëa had been receiving concerned glances from her when she thought she wasn’t looking. She thought about the argument between her and Cassandra, about leaving.

“Inquisitor – you are disappointing no one by leaving early”, Cassandra had said, and Alessëa knew that she was right. She had tried to tell her that she wasn’t ready to know whether or not her entire clan had been destroyed, and that was the reasoning behind her hesitance. But Cassandra had been resilient, and had ordered everyone to pack up the camp and leave.

When they could see Skyhold in the distance, Alessëa could feel her stomach curling painfully. She tried to force herself to not think about what was going to happen when she stepped into the courtyard, but her entire body was shaking, and she could feel sweat emerging from her forehead. Dorian rode up next to her, and gave her arm a comforting squeeze.

 

“Inquisitor – whatever the news is… we will all help you deal with it”, he said and tried to hold her gaze. But Alessëa felt her eyes welling with tears, and she looked away.

 

“Thank you”, she said barely audible, and wiped a treacherous tear away from her cheek. “I just know that they are all…” She couldn’t finish the sentence, and Dorian brushed her arm again.

 

“We don’t know that yet”, he said with a low, but comforting voice.

 

“But if they are… then it will have been my fault”, she whispered, and looked at Dorian, whose eyes widened. “I cannot bear the thought of being responsible for killing everyone”, Alessëa said, wiping more tears from her face.

 

“You are not responsible for the actions of some mad man and his bandits”, Dorian corrected her gently, as they rode through the gates of Skyhold. Alessëa managed to give him a weak, teary-eyed smile.

 

When she got of her horse, she was greeted by Cullen who looked so gloomy that she already knew she had been right all along.

 

“Inquisitor”, he greeted her with a low voice. “When you are ready then send for us to your quarters”, he said, not looking at her.

 

“All right”; Alessëa managed to say.

 

 _They want to tell you somewhere private – more private than the war room_ , she thought, and realized the implications of that. She stood by the horse longer than she should, knowing full well what would happen when she entered her quarters. The walk through the courtyard, up the stairs and through the Great Hall felt long and exhausting. When she was finally in her quarters, she was greeted by a servant who drew her bath. She mumbled to the servant that she should send for her advisors to come after her bath, and then she let herself sink into the hot water. She felt hollow with fear for what would happen next, even though she knew all too well. She let the tears flood her cheeks, hoping her tear ducts would be empty for when her advisors joined her. When she left the water, it was almost cold. She had just finished dressing when her advisors walked in to her quarters – every one of them looking very concerned.

 

“Inquisitor… your clan”, Josephine began with an uneven voice, looking remorseful. “The Duke of Wycome turned out to be a traitor – he had hired the bandits that killed them”, she said, and Alessëa felt like she had been punched in the stomach.

 

“Oh”, she uttered, not knowing how to construct an entire sentence at the moment.

 

“We are of course pursuing this duke, and we will punish him”, Leliana assured her, but Alessëa didn’t feel any less hollow.

 

“Are everyone…”, Alessëa tried to ask, but her voice failed her.

 

“We’re afraid so”, Cullen said regretfully, looking like he was in physical pain.

 

Alessëa couldn’t hold back a sob. “So what you are telling me”, she began frantically, and with the next sob lying ready in her throat. “Is that I requested my clans murderer for help”, she finished, and planted her hands on her face.

 

“There was no way you could have known…”, Cullen assured her, and stepped closer to her, but then looking like he regretted it.

 

“That may be true – but who else is there to blame?” Alessëa asked, and none of them spoke. “Nobody but me”, she ended, and she turned her back to them, burying her face in her hands.

 

“We will leave you be Inquisitor”, Josephine said, and Alessëa heard their footsteps on the stairs.

 

She didn’t realize she wasn’t alone, until she felt Cullen’s hand on her shoulder.

 

“Inquisitor, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this”, he said, and Alessëa wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe she had done everything she could.

 

“I could have listened to you”, she said as she faced him, her eyes still flowing with tears, and her voice shaky.

 

Cullen sighed. “There is no way of knowing if my plan would have worked”, he countered, and drew her in for a hug. Alessëa felt warmth spread in her entire body. Her arms found their way around his waist, and she buried her face in his fur coat. And then she started sobbing. He held her close, his one hand moving soothingly down her back. She had never been this close to him before, and she was enraged with herself that it was so comforting. She didn’t deserve to feel better at all. And she definitely didn’t deserve being comforted by the man she had feelings for. She should feel horrible and guilty, and not be feeling a rush of butterflies through her stomach. She escaped from his grip with a fast motion, and went to her desk.

 

“I have some work to do, so…”, she said with every inch of strength she had left in her. Cullen looked at her, a little dazed.

 

“Right”, he said, looking like he wanted to say something more. But instead he bid her farewell.

 

Alessëa had been in the wine cellar, and had found herself a decent stock of alcohol. She had realized that sleep didn’t feel like coming over her any time soon, so she tried the only remedy she knew worked. So when she finally was so drunk that she passed out on the floor, she no longer thought about her dead clan.


	12. Chapter 12

Cullen stood waiting in the war room for the others to join him. He always arrived first so he could spend some time getting ready for the strategic discussions - that and he hated being the last one to arrive. Then the door opened and the Inquisitor entered, looking like she hadn’t slept in weeks. He could only imagine how she must be feeling. If it was remotely close to his pain when his Templar brothers were killed in the Ferelden circle, he understood her lack of sleeping. She gave him a weak smile, and Cullen’s gut wrenched. He truly wished he could help her - he wanted to. But ever since he had comforted her, after the news of her clan, she had been distant towards him. She was polite enough, but he could feel that something had changed in her behavior towards him.

  
“Inquisitor”, he greeted her, and focused his glance on the table before him.

 

“Commander”, she said her voice hoarse, and nothing like her own.

 

Cullen swallowed before he could say anything more. “How are you feeling?”, he asked and he could feel the concern that reflected from his eyes. She looked away from him, and focused on something on the wall.

 

“I am fine, Commander”, she answered, but she didn’t look or sound fine. It had been over two weeks since she had returned to Skyhold, and had gotten the news of her clan. And she had been deteriorating before his very eyes ever since.

 

“You know that, uh, you can come to me… if you want to talk”, he said softly, and reached out to put his hand on her shoulder. She flinched away from him, looking like he was about to grievously wound her.

 

“Of course - but I don’t need to talk”, she said firmly, and moved to the other side of the war table. Her eyes didn’t meet his.

 

“I worry for you”, Cullen persisted, in a more insistent tone. “I can’t begin to imagine…”, he began, but was interrupted by the door opening and Leliana and Josephine entering. Alessëa’s eyes looked coldly at him for a short while, and then she greeted the others with a genuine smile. Cullen felt his gut churn again.

 

“Any news about the Western Approach?”, Alessëa asked professionally, and every notion that she was upset had vanished.

 

“Yes - a man named Livius Erimond is known to preside there.”, Cullen answered, still feeling heavy with concern. “He is said to have the Grey Wardens”, he continued, and focused his glance on the table before him.

 

“Then we will go there as soon as possible”, Alessëa concluded, and then she turned to Josephine to discuss the logistics of the trip.

 

Afterwards, Leliana mentioned a village that needed protection from Darkspawn. She asked Alessëa how she would like to proceed. Cullen had looked at her, and seen that her face had taken a shade of deathly white, and her eyes had widened with fear, Cullen had noticed. It had taken much longer for them to decide on how to help the village, than anything else. Then the meeting concluded, and Alessëa had left the room looking very pale, and with trembling limbs.  Every inch of Cullen’s body wanted to follow her, and try harder at comforting her. But he knew it would be in vain. Instead he retreated to the sparring ring, where the new recruits were waiting for him to train them.

 

* * *

 

Alessëa sat in the gardens, nursing her plants. Every time she did something, she remembered her keeper telling her about the different plants and how to care for them. Before her clans slaughter, it had been a comfort to be in the gardens - something to remind her of home… but now it was a penance - something that reminded her that she had made the decision that had ended her clan. She and no one else. She had thought it would become easier with each passing day. But no matter how much she distracted herself with reports and council meetings and her garden, she kept on feeling heavier and heavier as the time went on. Her guilt seemed to be never ending. She couldn’t sleep, even though she had asked Adan to give her something to help with that. At best she was in a foggy state, where her mind was still alert and able to remind her of her horrible deeds. But she dared not drink herself into a stupor anymore. She had been ill for days the last time. Still the decisions were getting tougher. Every time she made one, there was the horrible notion that it wouldn’t be the right one. She felt heavy with the responsibility, and she couldn’t do anything to change that. And she knew that Cullen wanted to help. He had been trying ever since she had pushed him away after he hugged her. But she always found a reason to not engage in conversation with him, even though she wanted to. A very loud and convincing voice inside her head told her that she shouldn’t indulge in any activity that eased her pain. She didn’t deserve that.  And every time she had spoken to Cullen, she had felt lighter, which made him very much off limits.

As she was trimming the Royal Elfroot, she was distracted by footsteps behind her.

 

“Doing someone’s dirty work again, I see”, Dorian noted as Alessëa turned her head at him. Dorian’s nose was crinkled, like he was looking at something foul.

 

Alessëa shrugged, and continued trimming the plant. “Someone has to do it”, she said with a placid tone. She knew he hadn’t come to discuss gardening.

 

“But not necessarily the Inquisitor”, Dorian interjected, and crouched down next to her. “You have an abundance of servants to handle this for you.

 

“I happen to enjoy it”, Alessëa protested as she picked the leaves that were needed for the potions. “It makes me feel good”, she mumbled.

 

“That’s funny, because you look just ghastly”, Dorian argued, and Alessëa knew that if she looked at him, he would have a notion of a smile in his eyes.

 

“Fine, not good then…”, Alessëa admitted and motioned to get up. “But better at least”. She went to the well to gather some more water for the thirsty plants, and Dorian followed her. She looked at him with an annoyed glare. “Is there anything in particular you need from me?”, she asked as she filled the bucket in her hands.

 

“You wound me dear Inquisitor”, Dorian said with a smile. “Can’t I come see you in the garden without an agenda now?”, he asked jokingly, but Alessëa didn’t smile, and so his smile vanished from his face as well. “Fine then, as you wish”, he said more seriously. “I came to talk to you, because we are all concerned”, he began.

 

“All - as in who?”, Alessëa asked with a stern voice.

 

“As in all of us”, Dorian answered and went on. “I know you are having a very hard time at the moment, but you could at least eat and sleep just a bit more than you do at the moment - just to assure us that you won’t drop dead this instant”

 

“I sleep just fine Dorian”, Alessëa said briskly, but Dorian didn’t look convinced.

 

“Is that so - then why would this strapping young Templar tell me that there is light coming from your quarters even in the most absurd hours of the night?”, Dorian countered, and Alessëa felt the anger make her face flush.

 

“Strapping young - you mean Cullen?”, she noted with disbelief.

 

“Who else?”, Dorian asked with a curious expression. “He has been very worried for you - he thinks that you are a danger to…”, Dorian began, but Alessëa didn’t let him finish.

 

“Oh - he thinks I will be unable to control myself, and just merge into an abomination or worse - is that it?”, Alessëa almost shouted, her eyes welling with tears of fury.

 

“That is not what I was going to say _at all_ ”, Dorian objected, but Alessëa didn’t care.

 

“Just do me a favor and leave me alone”, she said and walked out of the garden, leaving the bucket in her hands to fall to the ground.

 

* * *

 

She marched straight up to Cullen’s office, her blood still running hot through her veins, making the anger so much more persistent. She felt all sorts of betrayed and angry, and she had no idea how to deal with them all at once. She didn’t knock on his door, and the surprise on his face was noticeable when he saw her.

 

“Inquisitor”, he stammered, clearly thrown by the angry look on Alessëa’s face. 

 

“Why are you discussing me with Dorian?”, she hissed, and felt the treacherous tears rising in her eyes again.

 

“Discussing - what do you mean?”, he asked looking genuinely puzzled.

 

“You told him that you thought I was dangerous did you not?”, Alessëa asked, leaving Cullen looking frazzled.

 

“I’m quite sure that I didn’t say _that_ to Dorian”, he answered, and got up from his desk. “I only mentioned that you looked… unwell. And I asked him if he would speak with you”, Cullen said softly, and Alessëa felt her stomach flicker even through the layers of anger.

 

“Why didn’t you come to me instead?”, Alessëa asked sternly, and Cullen’s lips broke into a small smile.

 

“Forgive me Inquisitor, but I have been trying to”, he began, leaving Alessëa with a blush. “But you haven’t exactly been very welcoming when I have approached you the last few weeks”, he stated, and Alessëa knew he was right. How many times had he been trying to come to her, and she had turned him away. She could hardly count the number. Suddenly she felt very embarrassed and wanted to vanish into thin air.

 

“Right”, she finally uttered, and Cullen’s smile widened. “I can’t really blame you then”, she mumbled, and looked intently at her feet.

 

“You could - but it wouldn’t be entirely fair”, Cullen joked, and Alessëa felt a small smile twitch her lips apart. Cullen sought her eyes. “On a more serious note - how are you feeling?”, he asked and took a step closer to her.

 

Alessëa swallowed. “Horrible”, she said barely audible, her throat feeling swollen. “I don’t know how to make this go away”. She wiped a tear from her cheek, and turned away from Cullen, embarrassed.

 

Cullen put his hand on her shoulder and forced her to face him once more. “I would like to think that we are friends”, he said and looked directly into her eyes. She felt nauseous, and wanted the moment to end. But she couldn’t look away from his brown eyes.

 

“Friends call each other by their names - not their titles”, Alessëa protested, and wiped another tear from her face. Cullen looked flustered for a second.

 

“Alessëa - let me help you… please”, he pleaded, and she felt her knees weaken when he had said her name. He had pronounced it with such tenderness and softness that she felt utterly lost. He had never called her by her first name before, and even though she had asked him to herself, it didn’t feel any less overwhelming. His eyes still fixed on hers, and she couldn’t make herself do anything. 

 

“How?”, she asked vaguely, and felt his hand move up to her cheek, but almost immediately return to her shoulder. He looked down at his feet.

 

“I don’t know. But since we are friends now… I would do anything to make you feel better”, he said sheepishly, and turned towards his desk, blushing.

 

“All right”, Alessëa said barely audible. “I will let you then… since we are friends and all”, she proclaimed, and walked back to her quarters, intent on getting some sleep.

 

* * *

 

She had spent an inordinate amount of time with Cullen before her departure for the Western Approach. He had tried teaching her the proper way to play chess, and she had lost every time despite his lessons. He hadn’t pestered her to make her talk, but still she had opened up to him gradually. And when she left, she found herself being actually well rested for the first time since she got the news of her clan. It had almost come as a shock for her, but when she had thought about it, she had been feeling better little by little before taking off. And that was mostly due to Cullen, she knew that. In the time they had spent together she had become more and more convinced that whatever she was feeling was reciprocated. But every time she thought she would talk to him about it, her nerves got in her way. After all she had never really felt like that with anyone, or had to have that conversation before. And sometimes she still felt a little guilty that she was pursuing something that made her happy.

Their journey to the Western Approach had borne fruit. They had found some wardens, and discovered that they were being misled by this Erimond. And after his escape, they were now to find out what their next move was. They had been in the Approach for almost a month, and Alessëa couldn’t wait to return to Skyhold. She missed sleeping in a real bed and she missed having walls instead of canvas around her. Oh and she was looking forward to seeing the people there as well. Dorian and Varric had noticed her disposition towards Cullen, and they had not let her hear the end of it. They thought it obvious that Cullen had feelings for her as well. They had even made a bet about it, which had made Alessëa turn scarlet. But it had also been when she decided she was going to do something about it - otherwise she would probably go mad.

When they arrived, several people were there to greet them, but Cullen wasn’t one of them. It was early evening, and the grey light made Skyhold look almost gloomy. Alessëa handed her horse over to Master Dennet, and looked up towards Cullen’s tower - he was clearly in his office. She braced herself, and made her way up there.

 

* * *

 

Cullen stood with a report in hand, trying to make some sense out of it. He had heard the Inquisitor arriving shortly before, and now he was completely unable to focus. He had wanted to go to the courtyard and greet her, but he knew that the smile that would spread across his face when he saw her again would be inappropriate. So instead, he had stayed in his office looking at the same piece of paper for longer than he should have. And when he noticed _her_ in his doorway, he accidentally crumbled the report in his hand. Her hair was in disarray - loose strands framing her face, whereas the rest was still gathered in a long braid down her back. Her skin was matted with dirt from the road, and she looked a little tired. He swallowed, unable to keep the smile away from his face.

 

“Welcome back”, he mustered and put the report down on the table.

 

Alessëa looked down for a short while. “Thank you… um… can we talk?”, she then asked, still looking down. “Alone”, she added, and finally looked at him again.

 

Cullen felt his heart flutter in his chest, and his stomach was uneasy. He blushed. “Alone… I mean, of course”, he finally stammered, and motioned for them to go to the furthest away of the battlements. She walked a little behind him, and he could not think of anything to say to her. She looked just as nervous as he felt, but it couldn’t be for the reasons he thought. He had considered the possibility of Alessëa harboring more than friendly feelings towards him. But he had always pushed it aside, and thought it would be inappropriate or impossible. And he had also thought that she would consider him to be too old for her at any rate. He dared to glance back at her, and her pale blue eyes were wide, as if she was afraid of something. “It’s a nice day”, Cullen broke the silence, immediately wanting to kick himself for saying something so utterly irrelevant.

 

“What?”, Alessëa asked insecurely, and Cullen stopped to face her. Even covered in dirt from the road, she was stunning. He tried to think of something clever to say, but nothing came to mind.

 

“I, uh… you wanted to speak to me?”, he asked and rubbed his neck with his hand. Alessëa looked down and Cullen was fairly certain that she was blushing.

 

“Yes”, she mumbled, and leaned against the stone wall of the battlement. “I would like to… thank you”. She looked uncomfortable. “For being my friend… I really needed one”, she ended, finally looking up at him.

 

Cullen took a step towards her, his heart beating so fast it was making him dizzy. “You don’t need to thank me for that”, he assured her softly. The corners of her mouth curled slightly upwards.

 

“Yes I do”, she burst and started pacing the area while speaking. “I was so bloody miserable, and you made me feel… I don’t know _normal_ I think”, she ranted, still pacing. “I have been nothing but horrible to you, and still you swoop in with your kindness, and make me feel like someone who is deserving of that which I quite frankly don’t believe myself”. She paused and turned to face him again, her face a very deep scarlet. “What I’m trying to say is… I care for you… quite a lot”, she ended and covered her face with her hands, looking very embarrassed. When Cullen didn’t say anything in return, she looked mortified. “I can’t believe I just said all this - you must think I’m”, she begun and motioned to walk away, when Cullen grabbed her arm. Alessëa gave him a puzzled look, and Cullen felt himself blushing again.

 

“I uh… I care for you as well”, he finally muttered, and he saw a surprised smile teasing at the corners of her mouth.

 

“Really?”, she gasped, looking so very young at that moment; her eyes wide with anticipation and looking so innocent.

 

“Yes”, Cullen answered, blushing more deeply.

 

“Why didn’t you say anything?”, she then asked, stepping a little closer to him.

 

“Honestly, I thought you disliked me for the most part”, he began softly, taking a step closer to her, so she was leaning against the battlement. “And I always assumed that even if you didn’t, then it would be impossible, because of you being the Inquisitor”, he ended, having to actively stop his hand from grazing her cheek.

 

“I don’t dislike you - not at all”, she assured him, looking gently into his eyes, and grabbed a hold of his hand, squeezing it gently. Cullen felt his heart hammer in his chest. This was an invitation to do something - he knew it. He leaned in, and noticed that she closed her eyes in the process. He could almost feel her shivering breath on his skin when he was interrupted.

 

“Commander”, the scout said, while bursting through the door to the battlements.

 

“What”, Cullen sneered, and looked at the scout furiously. Through the corner of his eye, he noticed Alessëa hide her face in one hand, clearly embarrassed.

 

 “Sister Leliana’s report - you wanted it delivered without delay”, he said, eyeing the scene before him, looking clearly uncomfortable. When Cullen didn’t avert his angry gaze from the scout, he began to pull back. “Or to your office - right”, he stammered and ran back through the door.

 

Cullen felt as if the moment had come and gone. But he had so wanted to kiss her. She was still standing there, but every notion of their previous conversation was almost washed from her face. He couldn’t let her walk away. He just couldn’t. He turned to face her, and she looked down.

 

“If you need to”, she began, but Cullen interrupted her by pressing his lips to hers. She let out a surprised gasp, but soon her hands settled on his waist, ever so softly. Cullen knew he was kissing her too roughly, but the sensation of it all was all too much for him. His hands were cupping her face - her skin felt so soft to his touch. He pulled back a lot sooner than he wanted to, but he felt like he needed to.

 

“I’m sorry”, he muttered, blushing again. “That was really nice”. He let out a small smile, and dared to look at her. Her eyes met his, and he thought them positively luminous.

 

“You don’t regret it, do you?”, she said barely audible, and Cullen shook his head firmly, and grazed her cheek with his hand, stopping at her chin. Then his lips found hers again, and this time he kissed her as gently as he thought she deserved. He put his arms around her waist and pressed her tightly to him. She buried her hands in his hair, and let out a small, muffled sound. When she pulled away she looked shy and happy.

 

“We should probably get back to work” Cullen said with a grin, still holding her tightly.

 

“That would be the responsible thing to do”, she agreed, but pulled his face towards hers again, making him entirely lost in their kiss. He felt it way too soon when he pulled away from her, and released himself from their embrace.

 

“I will see you later”, he said and brushed her forehead with his lips. “And I’m so glad you’re back”. She smiled widely at him, and let him walk through the door. Cullen’s walk back to his office felt lighter than ever. And he had to force himself not to have a wide grin on his face the entire time. But it was rather impossible, since he had found out that all of his feelings were reciprocated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                     

 


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well it'll probably be another year before I update again - I just felt inspired today :D

_Flutters_

Alessëa’s heart pounded so hard that night that she hadn’t been able to sleep. She had wanted to go back to Cullen’s office so many times, to find out if the kiss had really happened, but she had stopped herself every single time out of nervousness. The next morning she still felt giddy as she started going over the reports that had piled up since she had left for the approach. Most of them were standard reports of how things were in the areas they had already secured, but some of them were important and required her full attention. She could still feel a pinch in her stomach when she had to make a decision that could have impact on people’s lives, but she tried to remain calm and allow herself to take the time she needed. It was almost noon before she decided that now was the time to go see Cullen. She braided her hair, and put on a fresh tunic. She scrutinized herself in the mirror before she dared walk out the door to the great hall. She passed by Varric who gave her sly smile, and she just knew that the word had already reached him. Irmelinn did her best to ignore him, and walked into Solas’ study, and up the stairs leading to Cullen’s study. When she reached his door she felt the nerves creeping up on her again. Should she knock, or could she just walk in like she used to? She had no idea what the proper decorum was for such a situation. At last she just grabbed the door by its handle and walked inside.

 

* * *

 

Cullen stood in his office, struggling to get through the reports and assignments on his desk. Since the Inquisitors return from the Western Approach, many preparations had to be made to find out more about Erimond and Adamant fortress. The kiss the night before had been an amazing distraction and motivation to keep going. But he could also feel the very fresh memory creeping up on him, making him flush all over again. He heard steps outside his door, but then the sound faded again. He furrowed his brow, and continued reading the report in front of him, when the door opened, and _she_ walked in. He felt the very familiar flush spread from the neck up when she smiled shyly at him.                      

“Hi”, Alessëa said, and brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She took a few steps inside the door, but stopped about 10 feet from him.

“I was um… hoping you would stop by”, Cullen finally mustered, and her smile widened, making her eyes beam at him. He lessened the space between them, wondering if he could take her hand, without it being weird.

“So… how did you sleep?” she asked, fumbling with her hands. Maybe she was having the same thoughts as he was?

“All right”, he answered, and smiled at her. This was insane - they had kissed the day before, and told each other how they felt. He shouldn’t be wondering whether or not it would be all right to hold her hand or even kiss her. He should just be doing it… unless she had changed her mind since yesterday. The thought made his stomach drop. Alessëa furrowed her brow, so she might have noticed the change in his expression.

“Something wrong?” she asked while positioning herself closer to him. Her hand reached out to hold his, and at that moment Cullen felt assured. He let his fingers tangle with hers, and gave her a smile.

“Everything’s as it should be”, he began and took her other hand. “I guess I was just feeling nervous about you changing your mind or something like that”, he finished barely audible, and her eyes widened at that.

“Well I was actually not sleeping at all last night”, she admitted, giggling. “I was so excited to see you again, that I made myself too nervous to sleep” Cullen flashed a sheepish grin at that.

“How come you waited until midday to come here then?” he asked teasingly, and pulled her closer. Her hands let go of his and gathered around his neck.

“I didn’t want to seem too eager Commander”, she teased back, but Cullen could hear the truth in her words. That was all he could do to not kiss her any longer. He closed the distance between them, and brushed his lips against hers. He wrapped his arms around her, and kissed her more deeply. He could feel her sighing against his lips, and that was almost too much to bear. He squeezed her against him, and kept on deepening the kiss, until they had to come up for air, her arms still wrapped around his neck. Alessëa looked flushed and dazed, and Cullen could only imagine that he looked somewhat the same. She raised her lips to his again, but just for a short while this time, but at the same time it sent his heart racing.

“Are you still nervous that I changed my mind?” she asked. Cullen kissed her again, just because he couldn’t help himself.

“No… I was just being foolish I think”, he admitted. He pulled away from her, to avoid her seeing him blush again.

“What about you? Do you have any reservations about this… people will gossip you know”, she said with a small voice.

Cullen turned around to face her again. “Let them talk. It would be worse if they had nothing to talk about”, he assured her.

“All right”, Alessëa said. “Do you think Leliana knows already?”

Cullen snorted. “Yes. She came by earlier today, and everything about her behavior suggested that she knows and that she finds it hilarious”. He tried to hide the contempt in his voice, but Alessëa just giggled.

“At least you don’t have to travel with Varric, Dorian and Bull”, she began. “They apparently wagered how long it would take before one of us lost it”, she admitted with a snicker.

“Really… that’s…”, Cullen began, but he felt too embarrassed to continue. Alessëa laughed.

“I should let you get back to work, before I ruin your day”, she joked, and motioned to leave. “See you later”, she said, but he could tell it was meant as a question.

“Well we have a meeting in the war room”, he said, even though he knew that wasn’t what she had meant. “And you could always drop by after…” he added, which made her smile. She then walked out the door.


End file.
